Summary
Joe coaches a father who has been clamping down on his negative emotions since his first daughter was born. The man reports that frustration and sadness have intensified but he immediately suppresses them, telling himself they’re “not logical.” When he heard the news of a second child on the way, he couldn’t access the excitement he knew was there—selectively muting anger and sadness had muted everything.
Joe notices that even describing the struggle, the man’s face resists. He invites him to feel struggle without resistance, and the man reports energy spreading through his whole body instead of being locked in his chest. Joe then leads two exercises: saying “You’re not the boss of me, May” ten times in an angry voice (which produces laughter and connection), then “I would give up everything for you, May” (which produces heartbreak and surrender).
The key revelation: the man already has emotional fluidity—he just demonstrated anger, tenderness, grief, and joy in minutes. He doesn’t need to develop it; he needs to stop protecting himself from it. Parenting is framed as “the deep tissue massage” that rips your ego out day after day, and the invitation is to keep surrendering to that heartbreak rather than armoring against it.
Key Concepts
- Suppressing one emotion suppresses them all
- You already have emotional fluidity—you just need to stop blocking it
- Parenting as the deep tissue massage that dissolves ego
- Trying to feel your feelings is as much resistance as trying not to feel them
Key Quotes
“So what happens to your struggle that’s happening if you don’t resist right now?”
“I felt the energy just kind of spread through my whole body instead of being locked up in the middle of my chest.”
“In trying to selectively mute my anger and sadness… I didn’t have access to the excitement that I know that I have in me.”
“You want emotional fluidity, but you just showed me you have it.”
“The deep tissue massage that is raising a parent. You just keep on surrendering. You just keep on letting it break your heart. Rip your ego out of you day after day after day.”
“Trying to feel your feelings is as much of a resistance to feeling your feelings as trying not to.”
Transcript
If you find yourself resisting your negative emotions, this is going to be a great video for you to watch. In this coaching video, I work with a father who thinks pushing down his anger is the best thing to do for parenting. And we find out that his emotional fluidity has been there with him the whole time. I have been struggling the last couple of years with since my my first daughter was born with uh just resisting feeling my negative emotions and uh it’s it’s really started coming to a head in my life. >> Resisting feeling your negative emotions. You mean you’re like not allowing yourself to struggle? >> Yeah. Anything that comes up that’s traditionally a negative emotion. I I get frustrated more often. Um you know, sad. >> So, you’re having more life changing. >> Yes. Yeah. >> Okay. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I thought you meant you were struggling to not let them be there, but you’re struggling because there’s too many of them. Apparently, >> there’s too many of them. And I immediately clamp down on them now to to not feel them. You know, I’ve I’ve heard you say before uh how how strange it is to to say internally, oh, this emotion isn’t logical. I shouldn’t feel this right now. >> Yeah. But that’s >> I do that a lot. Yeah. And >> so that was cool. You were talk, you started off saying, “I’ve been struggling recently.” And what your face did was you went, “I’ve been struggling recently.” Like there was an immediate resistance to the struggle. >> Right? >> So what what happens to your struggle that’s happening if you don’t resist right now? Don’t don’t think about it. Actually feel the struggle and don’t resist and tell me what occurs. >> Wait, you’re resisting in a different way. You just walked out of the back of your body. Be fully in your body and don’t resist. Yeah. So, this is struggle without resistance. >> Right. >> What’s the problem with that? >> Good. >> Yeah, it does. It’s very alive. >> Yeah. I felt the I felt the energy just kind of spread through my whole body instead of being locked up. >> In the middle of my chest. So, what’s the key thing you’re resisting with this parenting fatherhood thing? What’s the key resistance? Look at that. There goes your face again. >> The key resistance I think is >> Don’t care what you think. >> Thanks, Joe. Mhm. I think it’s a it’s a struggle with the sadness and a and kind of an anger around having so little space. How old is the little one? >> Two and a half. And we just found out we’ve got a a second one. >> Oh, cool. >> Which I’m genuinely excited about. >> I know. But you’ll also be resentful eventually. Don’t worry. And I could feel that in trying to selectively mute my my anger and sadness that >> when I heard the news, I didn’t have access to the excitement that I know that I have in me. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And just add one last like thing for the triage so to speak, how much is your wife guilt tripping you for not being around enough? Like how much are you all in the We’re both ex We’re both maxed out. So instead of like figuring out how to work together more efficiently, we are blaming each other for not doing enough because we’re both maxed out. How much of that is happening? >> She’s actually incredibly supportive. >> Awesome. >> I believe I’m the bottleneck. >> Great. >> Great. Yeah. Okay, I understand. So what’s the question? >> The question is how how can I how can I develop this emotional fluidity that I’ve heard you talk about. I don’t I don’t really know exactly where to begin. I know that being here and following work is >> great. Do me a favor and just say 10 times in a row in an angry voice, uh, and I want you to think of your two and a half-year-old. It’s going to be fucking silly, but I want you to think of your two and a half-year-old and I want you to say, “You’re not the fucking boss of me.” And I want you to do that 10 times. >> Up here. >> Say again. >> I’m just conjuring her up in my Okay. Great. >> What’s the What’s her name? May. >> May. Great. May, you’re not the boss of me. Just say her name. Yeah. >> May, you’re not the boss of me. May, you’re not the boss of me. You’re not the boss of me. May, you’re not the boss of me. you’re not the boss of me. May, you’re not the boss of me. >> Great. What’s happening? And you’re saying, just noticed a lot of smile. thinking about doing a lot of smile right afterwards. >> She There’s a little bit of of, you know, I’m in touch with the silliness because she’s such a joy to be around really. >> She could be much more challenging, but she’s not. >> Um Yeah. I I think I That’s mostly it. I feel I feel silly like I’m tense for no reason around her. >> Great. I’m going to do the other one now. We’re going to go the other way. I I would give up everything for you, May 10 times. May I would give up everything for you. I’d give up everything for you. May I give up everything for you? Let it break your heart. Let it break your heart. You don’t have to be strong around this. Who would you be if you gave up everything for me? Your identity, all the space you think you need out of a deep want to. Not because you had to, but because that’s just the kind of father you are. Who would you be when she’s 18? >> Yes. >> I had to guess this this heartbreak. You just allow this heartbreak the whole time. the deep tissue massage that is raising a parent. You just keep on surrendering. You just keep on letting it break your heart. Rip your ego out of you day after day after day. I want that. >> Where would you be 18 years from now? I almost don’t know if it if it matters. I just feel like that would be >> Whatever that is. >> Yes, that’s right. So, you want emotional fluidity, but you you just show me you have it. The anger that should be there obviously is there. Jesus fucking Christ. I don’t even get my own fucking bed. I’m not sleeping. What the fuck. Jesus Christ. Like, can you really say no 563 fucking times a day? Apparently May can. >> Yeah, you’re stretching the limits. What I thought was possible. >> Yeah, she’s going to break you open. And all the sadness of knowing that you would do it again. You’re about to do it This is the gift of parenting. You have all the fluidity there. You just have to let it come out of your mouth instead of protecting yourself from it. Yeah, that’s all all of your words on um on feeling your feelings and just and not resisting that being the thing that requires less effort. >> That makes the challenge of of parenting and and seeing number two coming down the track just so much more easeful. Trying to feel your feelings is as much of a resistance to feeling your feelings as trying not to, >> right? >> Just express it. It’s really easy. And cuz you have that Martin guitar behind you. There is a song called Days. D A I S. And it’s by Mountain something. Can’t remember the name of it, but it’s D A I S. And it’s short for Daisy, which Daisy May. It’s kind of perfect. Anyways, it’ll break your heart. It’s about a a a young dad singing to his three-year-old. >> Oh, awesome. >> Yeah. Yeah, >> I’ll definitely check that. >> Pleasure. >> Thanks so much, Joe. >> If you enjoyed this coaching session and you want to experience it live, just go here or click the link below. I look forward to seeing you there.