Summary
In this coaching session, Joe works with a man who wants to express himself but is terrified that being direct will come across as aggressive. The man can feel a “power inside” that he’s constantly holding back, and he equates any internal frustration or agitation with failing to be calm. Joe pokes at the logic: the man believes he can only act when there’s no internal conflict, yet he’s never had a single moment in the last year without internal conflict—and he’s acted anyway.
Joe reframes the whole setup as a bad trade. By keeping up the appearance of calm, the man is trading away his joy, his power, and his love. Worse, Joe points out, he probably isn’t even reading as calm—he’s reading as distant. The man comes to see that “me” isn’t the problem to be managed; “me” is the energy of love and joy dying to come out.
In the final stretch, Joe traces the pattern to its childhood root: the man’s sister was the free, expressive, rebellious one who got in trouble, and his job became to stay out of the line of fire and help everyone settle afterward. The whole strategy of muting his love, power, and joy was a way to stay safe. The session ends with Joe inviting him to give his own racing heart the love he refuses to let anyone hold back.
Key Concepts
- Appearing calm trades away your joy, power, and love
- Staying calm can be a childhood role taken on to stay safe
- Waiting for zero internal conflict before acting keeps you stuck
- Holding back your power also holds back your love and joy
Key Quotes
“You is trouble doing that. Just to be clear.”
“So by that you’re making a trade and the trade is I’m going to appear calm and what I’m trading is my joy and my power.”
“The best part is probably you’re not even appearing that calm. You’re probably appearing distant.”
“Can you just tell me that you’re not a calm person multiple times a day? You have a warning yourself that like prevents you from acting. That doesn’t sound calm.”
“You got to take my love or leave it. I can’t hold it back anymore.”
“What the [ __ ] happened to you when you loved people?”
Transcript
Kind: captions Language: en How do I not hold back? And how do I express myself without feeling like I’m being aggressive? It feels to me like I’m being aggressive. >> Show me what aggressive looks like in your mind. >> Uh expressing anger. No, >> I mean, do it. Let me let me like in your mind. What’s aggressive? Um [clears throat] um >> this doesn’t seem aggressive so far. >> It’s It’s not. I’m stuck [laughter] >> cuz I’m try I’m holding back. What? Uh it feels inappropriate to let out aggression. >> Well, everybody knows you’re just acting it out, right? This is you’re not actually. So >> just show me what in your mind you think that you never do. Everybody knows you never do it >> in your mind. What is the >> I mean like saying something like why did you pick me? I can’t believe you just picked me for this. Like I’m not ready for this. I can’t handle this. >> Gotcha. >> Something like that. >> Okay. So I’m aggressive all the time. >> Yeah. And when you look at me when you look at me doing the thing that I’m doing right now, this is aggressive. >> That’s not that’s that doesn’t feel aggressive. >> Okay. But I I am definitely far more aggressive in this moment than you were in that moment. >> Yes. It’s uh I’d say you you’re being direct. Okay. >> And that is where that’s where I get sort of hung up. Being too direct feels feels aggressive in internally for me. Gotcha. So, what what makes it not what what makes you There are people right now are like, “Joe’s being too aggressive. What makes it that you don’t think I’m being too aggressive, but you’re so aggress like that? It’s aggressive in you, but not aggressive in me.” Like, how do how do you square that circle? Um, you seem calm. there’s like you have a calm confidence and so you’re being direct from my perspective. My heart’s racing. I feel frustration. I’m kind of have an internal battle going on and so I don’t want to unleash that when I can feel that internally. I see. So, so what you’re saying is that the the if you feel internal conflict, you’re not supposed to act. >> Correct. Correct. >> Okay. C can can you tell me one minute one moment in the last year where there was zero internal conflict? >> Mhm. No. [laughter] >> Okay. But yet you’ve acted in the last year. >> That’s true. That’s true. >> Okay. [laughter] So So how are you going to get out of this mess? where you’re not supposed to act what or what’s the level of internal conflict that you’re allowed to act on. >> Um, in part it depends on who I’m interacting with. >> Okay. >> If there’s like a level of uh trust and safety with the person, then I let out a little bit more. So, what percentage of the questions that I ask do you think make me pucker? >> Make me go, “Oh my god, am I going to ask that question?” >> Meaning to anyone you’re coaching? You mean? >> Um, well, [laughter] >> I don’t know. >> You’re [clears throat] pretty smart. You you like I just saw you see the checkmate and your and that [laughter] smile. [snorts] >> Um Yeah. >> Yeah. [laughter] Yeah. So I do me a favor and just like tell me about your internal conflict, but I want you to tell it to me aggressively >> just in general. >> Yeah. Mhm. >> Um [clears throat] aggressively. Um I have a lot of just a lot of physical tension. My heart races. I um am telling myself u what I how I should I want how I want to be perceived. If I do this too much the you’re going to think poorly of me. You’re going to think I’m not a good person. I’m unletting I’m unleashing my anger. Um so yeah. [snorts] Um, >> that’s not real aggressive yet. Keep going. >> It is by my definition. If [snorts] someone did that to me, I would not think they were being aggressive, but it feels aggressive to me. [laughter] >> That’s better. That’s more aggressive. That’s lovely. >> All right. [clears throat] >> I love that you’re like, “Okay, then I’m going to calm down a little bit.” That Yeah, I struggle. I um I often give off a calm demeanor, but uh >> Uh people I I don’t always feel that way. >> Um and so part of me is like I I should be calm. Um if that’s that’s a uh like a role I’ve played in my life, it’s been like helpful for keeping the peace around me if I remain calm. And so if I don’t feel calm, it creates this >> block. >> But the other block is that apparently not being aggressive also blocks you. Is what I heard you say. You said you have a block if you if you if you don’t stay calm, but there’s also a block if you’re not aggressive. Um the block is that [clears throat] when I’m fighting off um a sense of not being calm. If I feel any sort of frustration or agitation or energy in my body, it’s like, “Oh, I’m not being calm right now.” And so that’s when that’s when the block comes. >> Oh, I see. Yeah. So, how often is that? >> at the level that you’re obviously it’s always there on some level. There’s always a little bit of a war happening, but like >> Sure. So, uh yeah, there’s a lowlevel hum at all times. Um but >> rising to that level, u maybe a couple times a day, maybe not every day, but >> um [snorts] >> yeah, >> it depends. >> So, I’m just curious. Can you just tell me that you’re not a calm person multiple times a day? You have a warning yourself that like prevents you from acting. That doesn’t sound calm. >> No, it’s not. I’m not a calm person. I have this like I’ve I’ve had from the connection course I’ve had these insights that from my last view conversation that I just have this power inside of me that I’m just holding back. Yeah, that’s what’s happening. Yeah. So, just tell tell me like 10 times in a row. I’m not a calm person. I’m just holding back my power in any tone you want to tell me it in. I’m not a calm person. I’m just holding back my power. I’m [snorts] not a calm person. I’m just holding back my power. back my power. I’m not a calm person. I’m just holding back my power. I’m not a calm person. I’m just holding back my power. I’m not a calm person. I’m just holding back my power. I’m not counting, but I’m not a calm person. I’m just holding back my power. I’m not a calm >> Was that 10? Good enough. So, is it I I agree that there’s power, but there’s all like the more you said it, the more your smile came up like on average. Like if we were to correlate like the more your smile would show up. So how how much of your power that you’re holding back is actually also your joy. >> Oh 100%. I when I’m fully when I just fully let go of or drop that battle. >> I um I can be kind of funny. I make make a little jokes fun to be around and if it feels good I can feel it coming out but it’s hard for me to get there. >> Great. Okay. So, so by that you’re making a trade and the trade is I’m going to appear calm and what I’m trading is my joy and my power. >> Yes. Yes. [snorts] >> Why do I do that? >> Yeah. Well, the best part is probably you’re not even appearing that calm. You’re probably appearing distant. >> True. >> So, I’m trading appearing distant for my joy and my power. >> That doesn’t seem like a good deal. >> Doesn’t seem like a good deal. So if in this moment, how would you not make that trade? not getting upset at myself that my heart’s still racing. Um, I >> Your heart’s racing right now. >> It’s racing right now. Yeah. >> Great. >> Yes. >> So, yeah. So, what would if you were to fully own your joy and power with a racing heart, what does that look like? >> What would you say to me, to the group, to the world, to your parents? I don’t give a [ __ ] Like, what would you say? I don’t know. Here I am. Like take it or leave it, I guess. [laughter] >> Uh I’m sick of I’m sick of the battle. Just like take it or leave it. [snorts] >> Yeah. And what’s it? >> Me. What’s you take or leave? What? I don’t know. I I I feel like I have just so much in me that I’ve been holding back. There’s just like I want nothing but good for everybody and I just want to let that out and I have [sighs] I have trouble doing that. >> You is you is trouble doing that. Just to be clear now I’m telling >> me is me is the this energy of love that’s just dying to come out. >> Right. >> And there’s just this part of me that’s holding it back. >> Yeah. So, what you’re basically saying is take my love or leave my love. I don’t give a [ __ ] I’m going to keep on loving. So in your words, say that to this group like look at the people say it. You got to take my love or leave it. I can’t hold it back anymore. [gasps] I am not. So you’re basically now this is even more [ __ ] I’m trading [laughter] the the perception of being distant for my power, my joy, and my love. It’s uh bad deal. >> It’s a bad deal. >> Okay. I think the last part of this is like you’re also holding back the love from to yourself. >> So the war that you’re still having that war inside you, what you call a war inside of you. >> Is that happening right now? Heart racing. >> My heart’s racing. >> It feels less like a battle, but it’s >> Yeah, my heart’s racing a little bit. >> Great. So now just give yourself the love. Give that racing heart the love that you’re not going to let anybody hold back. Take it or leave it. You’re still going to love yourself. You feel like you want to burst is what you look like. You look like like a really ripe grape. So [laughter] there you go. >> That’s my general posture. Just on the ver on the verge of bursting and [laughter] then and I pop every now and then. >> There you go. There it is. There’s I I should move on cuz we we hit it, but I’m going to just go. What the [ __ ] happened to you when you loved people? Like why? What? Like cuz like you’re doing it with me. You start popping open and then like if I point it out I’m like you’re popping open. You’re like so like what happened to you when you when you like showed all this joy and love and compassion? What happened? The intellectual story >> sure >> is um I’m not sure what happened but it was more what I observed um happening to my sister. >> And trying to avoid >> that >> and what happened to her? >> Um just a lot of conflict. She was much more um free and expressive and rebellious. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> And she got in trouble for that all the time and it caused a lot of uh >> turmoil. And so my role was to just >> not do that. >> Not do that. >> And um not only not do that, but help things settle after. >> Yeah. Through not loving, not having your power and not being aggressive and not being joyful. >> Yeah. Because so when you’re like pointing it out, it’s like, “Oh, you noticed me.” Because my job is to like not be in the line of fire. >> Yeah. Gotcha. >> Yeah. Yeah. [laughter] >> What the [ __ ] >> There you are. Thank you so much. >> Thank you very much. Pleasure. If you just finished watching this and you’re thinking, “Oo, I want Joe to coach me.” I appreciate that. I really do. And there’s ways to make that happen, but it’s not what I would recommend. What I would recommend is learning the skills that you need so that transformation is a part of your everyday life. So, it’s something that happens consistently. And the best way that I know to do that is to take the connection course. We’ve designed it just for that purpose. So, you can learn how to relate to people in a way that transformation just happens every day.