Summary
A woman shares her recurring fear that her love is “corrupt”—that she has hidden agendas when she expresses love. Authority figures throughout her life (mother, ex-husband, father, sisters) told her that her intentions were corrupt, and she internalized this message. Now whenever she feels love, she’s immediately seized by doubt: “Am I fake? Is my motivation corrupt?”
Joe challenges the premise by asking “What’s wrong with wanting something from love?” and points out that our capacity to love grows over time—it’s never fully pure or fully corrupt. He guides her into a somatic experience where she says “I want all of me loved,” and in that moment she visibly pulls back. Joe identifies that the part she retreated from—her cunningness, her wanting—is exactly what she’s afraid can’t be loved. He traces this to her mother, who felt shame about not being able to provide, and shut down love in response. The woman internalized: “When I go for what I want, I’m not lovable.”
Key Concepts
- Questioning whether your love is real destroys the experience of love
- Hiding the parts you think are unlovable makes you feel more fake
- Parents who feel shame about not providing shut down love
- Wanting things from love is natural, not corrupt
Key Quotes
“What’s wrong with wanting something from love?”
“How much—like your capacity to love is probably different now than it was when you were 5, 10, 20.”
“I want all of me loved.”
“Can you imagine a five year old girl who is cunning? I don’t know any teenage girl that isn’t cunning. I love my girl’s cunningness.”
“She felt that responsibility, she cut off the love. And you heard that as: when I go for what I want, I’m not lovable.”
Transcript
it’s like uh I don’t really love but I have some sort of hidden agenda that I’m expressing love but uh I want something from it cool what’s wrong with that I I think it’s about I’m fake something like that Ah that’s awesome how fake so love is dangerous right yeah that’s what that’s what I used to tell myself yeah like today you repeated it like several times and it resonated with me yeah I feel nervous but loving and there’s something um like as I lived my life since childhood I know I have like a big heart and I can love people and a lot of times all sorts of luck and free was flowing my way and a lot of times people who were Authority for me like Mom and my ex-husband and my father at times and my sisters they would um say that my intention was corrupt uh what What’s the question yes and the question is I kind of learned to believe them and now I feel like there is some sort of stagnation back and forth is like when I feel love I’m constantly mesmerized with question like am I corrupt is my motivation corrupt like uh what does corrupt what does corrupt mean it’s like uh I don’t really love but I have some sort of hidden agenda that I’m expressing love but uh I want something from it cool what’s wrong with that I feel like it it hardens me so no no not not what’s wrong with wanting something from love well I think originally it stems from one situation with my mom uh when I was when what what’s wrong with wanting something from love what’s wrong with being corrupt around love that it means that I don’t actually love how much like your capacity to love is probably different now than it was when you were 5 10 20 so H how how much I don’t even know if there’s an endpoint I’ve never gotten to a place where I’m like oh I’ve reach the maximum amount of love that I can give to the world that has not happened yet but let’s assume that there’s some sort of end point like how much like how close can you get still wanting something from the love how corrupt is it I I think it’s about let I am I am fake something like that Ah that’s awes awesome how fake totally right now how fake are you not not fake no there’s some percentage 1% fake 2% fake that’s the thing I don’t know I I can’t understand like I’m indecisive like that like I can’t understand how fake I am okay do you do me a favor and sit I don’t know if you are but sit squarely with both feet on the ground yeah yeah and I want you to bring your attention not just like up here but I want you to bring it all the way down eyes open yeah there you go okay there it is yeah e I’d like love to hear you just say I want all of me loved I want yeah I want all of me Lov I want all of you love too by the way thank you you’re welcome and and just take a second for scan your body and see what part of you can’t be loved in your in your mind in your heart like what is there any part of you oh look what just happened that was amazing where did you Retreat into where’d you go it’s like hold on a second you just pulled back yeah you felt yourself pull back yeah it was a doubt yes yeah so when you pulled back the thing you pulled away from go to the thing you pulled away from that’s the part that you’re scared can’t be loved that’s the part you hide oh yeah there you are there you went I can be very cunning and I did not love that part yeah it was like a contradiction for me yeah can you imagine a five year old girl who is cunning I I don’t know any I don’t know any like I don’t know any teenage girl that isn’t cunning I have two of them right now I don’t know a three-year-old who who is not cunning cunning yeah yeah yeah I love my girl’s cunningness I love it they’re just like figuring out how to get what they want from the world and they have this will and they yeah it’s love yeah somehow it used to be the opposite of love for me of course because your parents every time you wanted something your parents felt guilty they couldn’t give it to you so they didn’t want to feel it yeah how was it connected feel your mom for a second how did your mom feel when she couldn’t give you what she wanted what was her feeling I think she felt shot like yeahuh block herself from that’s that’s the removal of love from you and that shut was I don’t want to feel this feeling which is probably guilt or shame that she can’t provide for her daughter yeah shame yeah yeah responsibility over love from that conversation yes great conversation yes so she cut off she felt that responsibility she cut off the love yeah and you heard that as when I go for what I want I’m not lovable there you are whole body you thank you thank you pleasure