The true sign of a dead relationship isn’t fighting — it’s disdain. Not the apathy of “I don’t care” but the apathy of “you’re gross and not worth dealing with.” There’s an underlying anger that no longer wishes to be felt. Research shows that couples still willing to fight haven’t lost it, but once the response becomes “I’m not going to fight anymore,” the relationship is essentially gone.
Joe offers three things for someone trying to save a relationship approaching this point: speak your truth with an open heart and kindness; listen with VIEW — see them fully without taking it personally or needing them to change; and if they don’t want to work on it, grieve.
“You can’t chase somebody into loving you. It doesn’t work that way.”
The most common avoidant trajectory is: don’t fight, don’t fight, don’t fight, don’t fight, divorce. One partner says “I thought we were happy and she just walked out.” The willingness to fight is itself a sign of life in the relationship.
Related Concepts
- Conflict avoidance prevents evolution
- Every fight can bring you closer together
- Relationship health is measured by how you fight, not how often