Summary
A man asks Joe why he’s always judging himself. Joe reveals the answer through direct inquiry: self-judgment is a defense mechanism to avoid feeling underlying emotions.
For each self-judgment (not being good enough, not living up to potential, not being a good son), Joe asks: “What would you have to feel if you couldn’t judge yourself for that?” The answers: sadness, anxiety, anger followed by shame.
Then Joe demonstrates the solution: move the emotion. In just one minute of expressing anger (“I don’t have to be good enough. I don’t have to prove myself. I don’t have to live up to my potential!”), the man’s depression visibly lifts.
Key Concepts
Key Quotes
“What would you have to feel if you couldn’t judge yourself for not being good enough?”
“That’s why you judge yourself—so you don’t have to feel these things.”
“That was one minute. One minute.” (after the client’s depression lifted)
“That’s why you judge yourself—because you’re not letting yourself feel that.”
Transcript
Client: I think I have been carrying a lot of weight on myself from my own expectations and I’m not alone.
Joe: Really? Are they your expectations? Who taught them to you?
Client: I think from a young age I kind of like got all that from my surroundings, from my teachings, my mentors…
Joe: Great. So what’s the question?
Client: My question is why I’m always judging myself. Why do I always judge myself?
Joe: Cool. That’s a great question. Let’s answer it. This could be very quick. Tell me something that you judge yourself about.
Client: Not being good enough.
Joe: Cool. What would you have to feel if you couldn’t judge yourself for not being good enough? Just in one word, what would you have to feel?
Client: I think sadness.
Joe: Great. Okay, let’s do another judgment. What’s another judgment?
Client: Not living up to life… your potential, expectations, that kind of thing.
Joe: Okay. What would you have to feel if you couldn’t judge yourself for not living up to life?
Client: I’m thinking.
Joe: Don’t think, feel.
Client: Yeah, I’m feeling anxious. That’s the reality.
Joe: Great. So you’d have to feel anxiety. Give me something else you judge yourself for.
Client: Not being a good son to my parents.
Joe: Great. What would you have to feel if you couldn’t think to yourself, I’m not being a good son to my parents. I’m bad for not being a good son to my parents. What would you have to feel?
Client: [Pause]
Joe: What your body did—I can just tell you what your body did and you can tell me if it resonated. It was like you would have to feel anger and as soon as that anger showed up, you went to shame.
Client: Yeah.
Joe: So that’s why you judge yourself—so you don’t have to feel these things. And what it’s doing is making you depressed over the long term. It’s putting you into this depressed mode.
So, I just want you to do me a favor. We’re going to do a little experiment. Feel how much depression is in your system right now. Just feel the level.
Now, you’re just going to act like somebody who’s really upset over the fact that you’ve been told to do shit and you don’t want to do it anymore. You’re basically going to be like: “I don’t have to do shit! I don’t have to prove myself! I don’t have to be good enough! I don’t have to be great! I don’t have to live up to my potential!”
Client: [Expressing anger] Okay, man. It’s fine. You don’t have to be good enough all the time because you’re a human. I don’t have to fuck things up because it’s fine. It’s life, man. It’s going to be great rather than just focusing on judging yourself. Not being the good son your father wants or your mother wants. Who cares? They are also human. They’re making mistakes, man. It’s fine. I feel like it’s tiring sometimes. It’s tiring that I have to keep up with all people’s expectations. I only have to keep up with my own!
Joe: Cool. Great. Now feel your depression.
Client: [Laughing] That was one minute. One minute. Wow.
Joe: That’s why you judge yourself—because you’re not letting yourself feel that.
Client: I’m feeling something and it’s good. Isn’t that crazy? How the hell did that happen? My brain is kind of vibrating still.
Joe: Yes. Let it enjoy it and then let your emotions move and all of this will change really quickly. Look how quickly it just happened—in a minute.