Summary
In this public coaching session, Joe works with a woman who identifies her core pattern as compulsive fixing — of herself, of others, of injustices in the world. She describes standing up for people who didn’t ask for help, caretaking obsessively, and trying to prove she’s “healed” by taking on others’ problems.
Joe guides her through a series of revelations. First, he asks what she judges in others — it’s people not treating others well. Then he asks: if you couldn’t judge that person, what would you feel? She discovers a vast silence, which immediately triggers anxiety and a compulsion to do something. Beneath the anxiety is the feeling that “everything I touch fails” — the actual driver of all the fixing behavior.
The session’s climax comes when Joe invites her to simply be with him instead of fixing anything. She discovers that being present — without an agenda — is exactly what she’s been avoiding. The fixing was a way to avoid the silence, the peace, the aliveness of actual connection. Joe demonstrates that the way to stop fixing isn’t another form of doing — it’s an undoing.
Key Concepts
- Compulsive fixing avoids being present
- The feeling that everything I touch fails drives the fixing
- Asking “how do I stop” keeps you in the doing loop
- Judgment protects from a vastness that triggers anxiety
Key Quotes
“How can you fix anything if you’re not here like this with me? You’re trying to fix something without being able to be with it.”
“Everything you’re doing is trying to avoid just actually being with me.”
“That’s actually the driver of all the fixing — the feeling that everything I touch fails.”
“The question is how do you be with people? And it’s the exact opposite of a doing. It is an undoing.”
“I’m avoiding the silence. I’m avoiding the peace.”
Transcript
With the world as chaotic as it is these days, so many of us are trying to fix so many things. And in this coaching video that happened during one of our public Q&A’s, we meet a woman who’s always trying to fix something, always trying to be the problem solver, always trying to help somebody out. And what we find out is what’s really beneath that and how to set yourself free from that stagnation. I want to fix everything, right? I see something I believe is wrong or some injustice and I have to fix it. And if people don’t like the way I’ve shown up, I have to justify it. And I I don’t know where to go from here. Like there’s this underlying anger and fear and it’s just kind of I feel stuck and I’m not sure what to do. So that’s why I joined today. Great. Uh are you reading from a card? No, I’ve been taking notes the whole time we’ve been on the call. This is people have been asking their intellectual questions. I’m like, okay, how do I describe it differently or how do I could you So, this will be recorded. So, can you do me a favor and like not take any notes and just be fully here with me because Yeah. Okay, great. And see if I understand the question. It’s I’m always trying to fix and I get upset if people don’t let me. Is that how do I handle that? Is that basically the If you put it in a sentence, what would you how would you say it? H I’m trying to fix myself. That’s probably the biggest thing. And I assume I make this assumption that I’m trying to to to prove that I’ve healed in some way by taking somebody else’s issue away. I see something that I feel is discriminatory. For example, I’m going to stand up and I’m going to make a stand even if that person didn’t want me to. Yeah. So maybe a caretaking behavior is an obsessive caretaking behavior. Okay. Yeah. Um, so what’s wrong with you? Nothing’s wrong with me. So, however, what’s to fix when I caretake others in this way? Hold on. You’ve said the main thing I’m trying to do is to is to fix myself. So, what are you trying to fix? Like, what’s wrong with you? My tendency to judge versus to be discerning. Okay. is probably a big one for me. What do you judge about yourself? What do I judge about myself? Certainly the I I judge myself a lot about judging others. Yeah. About thinking what do you judge what do you judge others for? Give me something that’s like a a prime you you’re going to judge somebody or not not treating others the way I think they should be treated is like a really big one for me. This sense of fantastic. So let’s look at think of that time where that’s most prevalent. Give me like I don’t need to hear about it. But think back in your history of a time where that person was definitely doing and you were definitely judging them. You got it. Looks like you got it. Okay. And now imagine there is just no possible way on earth you could judge them. What would you have to feel? Can you say it differently? If you were not able to judge them in that moment, what feeling would you be left with? I’m going to say it feels like nothingness. Just silent. It’s quiet. Great. So, let’s go there. So, there’s all this bad happening in the world and you look at it through the lens of judgment. What if you looked at it through the lens of silence in theory and in sitting here? No, no, right now. No theory. Just like right now, what happens? I have anxiety in my arms and hands and I feel like I have to be doing something. That’s how I’m feeling right now. Fantastic. So let’s feel the anxiety. So if you So basically what we’re learning is if you can’t go to judgment then there’s a vastness that makes you very anxious. So now we just go into the anxiety. In the grand scheme of things, all of your actions have really not changed much. What do you mean my actions haven’t changed much? All those things that you’ve done to like write all the wrongs to make sure that all those things have happened. In the grand scheme of things, the world is still going around the sun. The politics haven’t, you know, there’s been no decisive shift in the war in Ukraine or the upcoming war with China or whatever like you know. the point is to feel the anxiety. I meant more maybe it’s because I feel like that’s what drives me and so if I’ve been doing this and then I’m not doing it and I see people getting hurt that maybe I could have prevented or I see myself being in situations I I love it. Yeah. What is the point then? What’s the point of your life if your job isn’t to fix the wrongs of the world? Yeah, I think that’s what I’m struggling with. Yeah. So, let’s struggle. Fix the wrongs of yourself. Fix the wrongs of the world. What What What if What if you couldn’t do that? What would be left to do? Nothing. That’s how I feel. Nothing. Yeah. But what I notice is there’s a sadness that hits you now. It’s very sad because I mean where do you go? Like why are we here? It goes into that realm. I know you do a lot of like what’s my purpose? Who am I? Like the ego identification out of out of the head for a minute. Just be with me. You can do this. Be with me. Just like give me eye contact. I’ll give you eye contact and let’s not fix each other. What’s to do? What do we do if we’re not fixing each other? If there’s an anxiety there that’s got you a little frozen, feel into that. And yeah, and to see what it’s like to what’s the purpose of us being together if it’s not to fix each other? My my first thought is to go to like to be here to support each other, which I don’t know how that’s much different. So you see that sense of what I’m noticing is everything you’re doing is trying to avoid just actually being with me. Like you go into your head to stop being with me. You go to fix me. You try go to fix yourself. And then when you’re with me like right here there’s like some anxiety that occurs. Yeah. I want it I want it to be right and I don’t know how to get there. And so I feel like I’m failing at it over and over again. Right. And that that’s actually the driver of all the fixing the feeling of that everything I touch fails. Yeah. That’s right. Yeah. But you being in that feel like how about that? How about you just be in that feeling with me of everything that I touch fails and I’ll just be with you in that and we’ll hang out. And now I feel you with me more now than I have the whole time. How How can you fix anything if you’re not here like this with me? You’re trying to fix something without being able to be with it. Yeah. Because it’s easier to fix things that are surface. Yeah, that’s right. That’s why. That’s right. And that’s why you always have that weird sense of failure and your mind just went to trying to fix it. It It did. Wait, wait, wait. We can keep on talking or we can just be together again? And feel how alive this is just to be with each other like this. It’s a lot of energy, right? Like or sensation moving through your body. Definitely a lot of sensation. Definitely in my my I can feel the end of my skin like everywhere that’s exposed. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Like Yeah. Yeah, but still not remembering to breathe even if that makes sense. It totally makes sense. That’s the way it is when you start to get in touch with this. And then how do I carry it longer? How do I carry it when you’re not sitting across? Exactly. Not that way. Does that that puts you back into the fixing which takes you out of this moment? I want you to imagine right now the way we are together that place. I want you to imagine looking at an anthill. And now I want you to imagine trying to fix the anthill. I cannot I don’t see anything wrong with the anthill. Right. Correct. Yeah. And if you’re in this moment, what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong? What’s wrong with you? Nothing’s wrong. Oh, what’s wrong in this moment? You can’t go to the past. You can’t go to the future. Just what’s wrong with this moment? I feel I’m not fixing it fast enough. Yeah, of course. Right. Fixing what? What’s wrong with this moment? Me not being able to sit here in this moment is now what’s becoming wrong with my moment. And there there you are in this moment. It just happened. This is the thing you’re avoiding. It is. I’m avoiding the silence. I’m avoiding the peace. Yeah. And the pleasure and that aliveness. Yeah. That’s why everybody rejects you trying to fix it. Yes. And now how do I stop it? How do I stop fixing people? Just stop. It’s um the quest that’s the that’s the question that leads to failure. And so it lets you stay in the loop. I am in a doom loop 100%. The question is how do you be with people? And it’s the exact opposite of a doing. It is an undoing as you’re learning right now. So to ask how do you do it is counterproductive. Is that the same by asking how do I undo it? Let’s find out. How do you be with me? Answer: undo it. No, it seems to be working. It does actually. Yeah. Yeah. Especially on the intellectual level because I’ve done it with the tension where I can feel it. Intellectually, when you’re here intellectually, the best job for the mind is to deconstruct itself. Every thought. How is that not true? How is that not true? because it just leaves you here with me or with us. Total pleasure to work with you. Thanks for thanks for thanks for thanks for finally getting in here and asking the question. It was a pleasure. Yeah. Look forward to hearing more. Thanks so much. Welcome.