Summary
Joe shares a deeply personal story about his own trauma pattern around time and rushing. Growing up with a mother who had panic attacks when anyone was even slightly late, he developed intense urgency around punctuality. During a Groundbreakers retreat, he asked for help and someone offered the phrase “I see how much you care” — which instantly dissolved his rush because it attuned to the core wound: as a child, his caring was never seen through the frantic behavior.
He uses this to teach the broader principle: in relationship fights, both partners are reliving childhood trauma patterns and desperately trying to be seen in the way they weren’t seen as children — while simultaneously making it nearly impossible to be seen because the trauma behavior obscures the underlying need. The solution is to sit down with your partner outside of conflict and discover each other’s specific attuned responses — the exact words or actions that reach the wound underneath the fight.
Key Concepts
- The right attuned response can instantly dissolve a trauma pattern
- Every fight is really about not being seen the way you weren’t seen as a child
Key Quotes
“I see how much you care — and it just dissolved my rush because that’s what it was all about as a kid.”
“When we’re in fights, we are in our trauma and we’re not being seen the way we weren’t being seen as a kid, and now we’re making it really hard to be seen.”
“What is it that you want me to say? What’s the thing that you want most that you never got as a kid?”
“You can’t give it to them if it feels like shit to you.”
Transcript
I’m hanging out with my mom my dad’s supposed to meet us at dinner he was like 5 minutes late which he seldom was and my mom was like I think full panic attack that’s how I was raised with time so you can imagine I have like some trauma with time one day we were doing a groundbreakers we were doing like our weeklong program and um I said I need help with this I when I’m in this trauma I need to hear something that pulls me out of the trauma I think it was Janine who came up with the expression I see how much you care and it just dissolved D my rush because that’s what it was all about as a kid right like it it it attuned to my trauma in this very particular way that was like I see you I see that you care that you’re trying and and it was that not being seen in that that the all the rush was about I was rushing so that I could be seen in that and I was never getting seen in that and that’s what happens when we’re in fights when we’re in fights like this it’s it’s we are in our trauma and we’re not being seen the way we weren’t being seen as a kid and now we’re making it really hard to be seen like I was making it really hard to be seen that I was in my drama when I’m freaking out and rushing the kids and honking the horn and like come on we’re late for the party or whatever the hell like all anyone can see is that I’m being a dick right so like it’s it was really hard for anyone to see it and that’s the same like just boom that just all of a sudden did this thing to me like oh I see how much you care and it just dissolved it and so when you’re in a fight it’s really important to especially in those agreements we talked about how do you look at the kind of those repeating trauma patterns and how do you attune to each other if I start crying what’s the attuned response is it to just be next to me is it to have a a thing on my on my knee is it to say I’m right here with you what is the thing that you actually want and it’ll take many iterations to find the thing that like actually like gets you but you can find that thing so as you’re getting in fights with your partner and you start seeing these repeating patterns it’s really important to sit down and have those conversations say I notice every time let me see if I can find a one another one that happened with us um right it’s like uh when you don’t feel heard I noticed that when you don’t feel heard you just continue to argue the point like for forever and even if I’m saying hey I hear you and this is what you said if you like you’re in your trauma this isn’t about what’s actually happening in this moment you’re just like in this thing what’s the what’s the thing that I can say to you and and I remember this one Tera was just like I just need to hear I’m right you’re right you’re absolutely 100% right like yep you’re right boy I had a problem with that one at first I was like I want be right then but I realized like oh that it’s not about being right or not being right what it’s about is that she’s in her trauma and when she was a kid she was always made wrong and she just needed to be told oh hey I’m I’m I’m right or oh if you’re feeling scared you don’t need me to fix you you just need to be physically held you just need to be like embraced in a like a strong way so you’re looking for what are the trauma patterns that you get in we all know we get in them in a relationship it’s those repeated fights and it’s like what is that attuned response and you can try to guess at your partner’s response like the attuned response and you can be attuned but trauma is weird because you’re being attuned to something that’s actually not happening right now it’s happening in the past like we discussed so it’s really important to like sit down with your partner and like talk about like what what is it what do you most want in that moment in that moment when you’re feeling like I’m not that you’re all alone in the relationship and I don’t get you like what is it that you want me to say what’s the thing that you want most that you never got as a kid like what is that and and you learning what that is and to be able to give it to them you can’t you can’t give it to them if it feels like shit to you right like I couldn’t say you were right for a while until I until I got it into my bones what it was actually but it was it’s really important that you can do that if you’re capable of it and if you want to and if you’re not to figure out what it is in you that makes it so you don’t want to support them in that way but if it doesn’t feel right don’t do it but if you can do that it’s really important to have that very attuned response to that repeating trauma that’s happening in the fights