Summary
A woman comes to Joe saying she’s tired of taking responsibility for everything but doesn’t know why she keeps doing it. Joe quickly identifies that she’s taking responsibility in the session itself — maintaining composure, trying to make the coaching work, containing herself. She confirms this pattern is constant and painful.
Joe traces this to childhood conditioning where she was yelled at for not being composed. He guides her to see that demanding composure of a child is psychotic — visualizing a joyful five-year-old being told to compose themselves makes this viscerally clear. Through the session she begins to drop the composure mask and make room for her authentic expression.
Joe identifies her as having an incredibly sensitive system that she learned to lock down for safety. He teaches her that as she opens up, she should notice bodily sensations and pleasure — this grounding practice will help her integrate the sensitivity rather than suppress it. He also has her apologize to her husband for the ways she’s demanded composure from him, which she describes as feeling “empty in a nice way.”
Key Concepts
- Forced composure is self-imprisonment
- Demanding composure of a child is psychotic
- Extreme sensitivity gets locked down for safety
- Pleasure and sensation ground the sensitive system
- Chronic responsibility-taking is composure maintenance
Key Quotes
“What year do you think a kid should start composing themselves? … It seems psychotic. It is psychotic.”
“It hurts all the time. All the fucking time.”
“Your system is incredibly sensitive… it was so sensitive that you learned to lock it down because it was so unsafe to have that sensitive of a system.”
“As you start to not compose yourself, as you start to allow your sensitivity to feel everything, that’s what’s going to keep you grounded — is to feel that pleasure.”
“You just did it. You just laughed, and then you’re like — nope, composure.”
Transcript
what year do you think a kid should start composing themselves as soon as possible you think like a like a like a baby should be like nope compose yourself a 2-year-old compose yourself a 5-year-old compose yourself a 7-year-old compose yourself a teenager compose yourself like when is it that they’re supposed to they’re morally obligated to compose themselves as soon as there’s a theory of mind really I it’s it seems psychotic it is psychotic this coaching session is one of my favorites it’s where we investigate how when we’re constantly being told to hold our lives together to hold ourselves together it can have devastating long-term consequences it was filmed during one of our live q&as where people can raise their hand and have a coaching session with me I’m sure if you pay attention you’ll get a lot out of it I don’t want to take responsibility and I want to know why to responsibility for what everything I have so many opportunities and I don’t want to take any of them okay so what’s what’s making you do it I either think I should or would like to deliver on it for my husband like right now it feels like you’re taking responsibility for something what is it that you’re taking responsibility for right now that I need to take responsibility boros boros of responsible for not wanting to be responsible right are you responsible for making this thing that we’re doing right now successful it feels like that yeah and are you responsible and your husband’s not here just by the way and and are you responsible for like making sure that you maintain some sort of composure is that also your responsibility oh always okay okay yeah so composure and you have to make this thing work this is like this is the recipe for a horrible coaching session so that you just did it you just laughed like I got you you laughed and then you’re like nope composure no I’m gonna do the composure thing and that composure it’s not just external it’s internal you’re like composing internally like you are like you’re like containing yourself yes it hurts all the time all the fucking time yeah just to be clear this has nothing to do with your husband this is happening just like in the simple interaction between us yeah oh like there’s I saw you you just popped out for a minute it was really sweet what what’s wrong with this thing this this un the less composed part of you like what’s wrong with the thing behind the mask of composure what what what what what makes that not able to run around be free and happy I got yelled at all the time of not being composed and so I learned yeah fuck them fuck those people I’m afraid that’s all people yeah well it’s you so it is all people meaning like you’re saying it to yourself so of course yeah do you have a kid no no okay do do you know kids like like you see kids you have nieces nephews something like that no no okay so what what year do you think a kid should start composing themselves as soon as possible no but you think I know that’s what you’ve been told but like you think like a like a like a baby should be like nope compose yourself a 2-year-old compose yourself a 5-year-old compose yourself a seven-year-old compose yourself a teenager compose yourself like when is it that they’re supposed to they’re morally obligated to compose themselves as soon as there’s a theory of Mind really I it’s it seems psychotic it is psychotic you want I I’m gonna prove to you it’s psychotic I want you to think of like a 5-year-old playing happily like just visualize a 5-year-old playing happily joyful in the backyard collecting flowers making fairy houses digging holes do you have that image Darkly through lots of yeah di Meo great and now I want you to visualize that kid composing themselves your head you literally went like this I am really sorry that somebody told you that you needed to compose yourself that’s fucked up I hate it yeah so I want you to tell me to compose myself because I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’m like totally not that like I’ve sworn I’ve like so tell me to compose myself and keep your eyes open and look at me when you do it I don’t want to I know but just do it eyes open look at me yourself okay that’s what you’re doing to yourself all the time just a little more room I just saw you make a little more room for yourself do you feel that yeah yeah see what it’s like that’s like one see what it’s like to just play with 10 like make 10 times more room for yourself just for a second room for your face room for the expression that actually wants to be made oh my God you’re you’re gonna get a video of this you’re like a different person like yeah I’ve got one more it’s a lot less painful here’s one for you too I want you to what’s your your husband’s name Alex Alex I want you to apologize to Alex I’ll be Alex I’ll pretend I’m Alex I want you to apologize to me for all the ways you’ve told me to compose myself I’m sorry Alex that I asked you to compose yourself be together there’s not really any need for it how’s that feel you’re asking the wrong part of you ask your heart how does that feel so I want to I want to tell you something about yourself that you might not know as you you can open your eyes your system is incredibly sensitive and all and it was so sensitive that you learned to lock it down because it was so unsafe to have that sensitive of a system so you just like really learned to lock it down but like your body awareness is really it’s like you’re very aware of what’s happening in your body and so you have this like incredibly sensitive system and so as you open up just take its like you just learned how to open it up and not be composed just be gentle and take it slowly because it’s a lot you are really going to be able to feel a lot it’s an Incredible Gift but just take it slow in it and I I interrupted you I interrupted you how did it feel to apologize to your husband empty in a nice way yeah yeah that’s what I there’s that awareness man you’re amazing yeah yeah you feel a lot so I want you I want to teach you one more thing it’s not so we we we finished the session and now I’m going to just teach you something as you as you as this starts to unfold So Close Your Eyes for a minute notice the sensations moving through your body your job is just to notice Sensations moving through your body and notice like the pleasure and the expansiveness that you feel in this that is an important part of how you need to spend some of your day as you start to um as you start to not compose yourself as you start to allow your sensitivity to feel everything that’s what’s going to keep you grounded is that that technique is to feel that pleasure I know it’s a lot God damn what a pleasure