Summary
Joe describes a couple — a high-powered lawyer and a venture capitalist — whose marriage had devolved into fights over coffee grounds and administrative logistics. The intimacy, connection, and storytelling had all disappeared. Both partners were withholding their truth: one feared the other’s fragility, the other feared anger or withdrawal of love.
When they committed to speaking their truth respectfully and with an open heart — even when it meant conflict — their entire relationship transformed within six to eight months. Joe emphasizes that truth-telling in relationships is deeply compassionate, not cruel, and doesn’t need to be urgent or mean. It just needs to be consistent.
Key Concepts
Key Quotes
“They were both incredibly scared to just tell each other their truths because one person is scared to tell their truth because the other person’s going to be too fragile… and the other one is scared to tell the truth because of the anger.”
“Showing up for a person and saying this is where I’m at so that they know where they’re at — that is compassion.”
“It doesn’t have to be urgent and it doesn’t have to be mean. As a matter of fact it should always be done with an open heart.”
Transcript
so there was this couple that I was working with at this one point both of them one was a high-powered lawyer one was a venture capitalist the marriage was just like they would like fight over the coffee maker like the grounds being left at the espresso machine you know what I’m saying like it was like this was their life and they had clearly loved each other at one point and and their relationship was clearly hot at one point and now the sex was dead and it was like all about the interactions of the kids and the administration of life and there was no intimacy there was no connection there was no storytelling that like the whole thing had just Fallen apart and they were both incredibly scared to just tell each other their truths because and and this happens in almost all the relationships probably happens in yours is that one person is scared to tell their truth because the other person’s going to be too fragile it’s like it’s going to hurt them it’s going to break them they’re going to they’re going to be depressed for even longer or something like that and the other one is scared to tell the truth because of the anger oh they’re going to get angry at me they’re going to yell at me they’re going to be upset or they’re going to remove their love and then I’m going to be chasing them for their love and so I’m just not going to say the thing that’s important to me I’m just not going to say my truth and so they’re both not showing up to in this case they both weren’t showing up in the relationship and so they committed to telling each other their truth which means that there was going to be conflict it means that the fighting had to happen but the fighting had to happen differently and so when they committed to both one having the fights in a respectful Manner and two speaking their truth even when the other person might be hurt it was 6 months maybe eight months and their whole relationship had changed and this is an incredibly common story in the work that I do it’s that you have to speak your truth in a relationship despite what it might do to somebody else despite the idea that oh I’m not being compassionate even though you are it’s just maybe not nice or it’s not convenient or it’s just an emotional experience that you don’t want to have in the moment but it’s deeply compassionate because showing up for a person and saying this is where I’m at so that they know where they’re at that is compassion if you can do it with an open heart if you can do it lovingly and the trick there is just to do that consistently all the time it doesn’t have to be like here’s my truth right now I have to tell it yeah it can be like oh I can wait until you know they’re rested it can be a Saturday it doesn’t have to be urgent and it doesn’t have to be mean as a matter of fact it should always be done with an open heart but the the most important thing to get for a relationship from being dead dormant to moving in a place where there’s love and you want to be with each other again and you’re not feeling disempowered you’re not feeling like you’re getting apart ripped apart every time you come home it’s not like oh I got to go home again if you want to change that relationship the most important step is speaking your truth and doing it with respect.