Summary
In this coaching session from a live Q&A, Joe works with a man struggling with porn addiction and procrastination. The man describes deep shame about these behaviors and how he makes himself unhappy by not acting the way he wants to. Joe immediately identifies the self-critical story running in the man’s head as the real problem, not the behaviors themselves.
Joe guides the man to drop the story and connect with what he is essentially — not intellectually, but as a felt whole-body experience. The man discovers that his first line of defense against feeling his essential nature is thinking, which becomes shame-filled, which then leads to avoidance behaviors like procrastination and pornography. The core pattern is: essential self → thinking → self-critical thinking → avoidance of that thinking through numbing behaviors.
The session reveals that the man’s exuberant love was shut down as a child by strict parents, and he now shuts himself down the same way. When he finally drops into feeling, he touches love and compassion. Joe points out that staying focused on being with what you are essentially — rather than trying to stop unwanted behaviors — is what actually dissolves procrastination and addiction.
Key Concepts
- “How do I stop” is the wrong question
- The avoidance chain from essence to addiction
- Procrastination is not who you are
- Feeling your essential nature dissolves avoidance
Key Quotes
“The pain of this procrastination and the pain of the pornography is that it’s not who you are.”
“Your first line of defense against what you are essentially is to think, and then the thinking gets so rattled and shame-filled that you need to avoid the thinking, and you do that with procrastination, doom scrolling, pornography.”
“What you are essentially feels good but somehow overwhelming. Moves to thinking, moves to self-critical thinking, moves to avoidance of self-critical thinking.”
“If you want it to go away, stay focused on being with what you are essentially — all of it.”
“If you’re trying, then you’re not doing it right. And that’s what you just discovered. You went to try and you’re like, ‘No.’ And there’s this relaxation and there you are. It’s always there.”
“The thing you’re saying about me right now, I see it in you. You couldn’t see that about me if it wasn’t true in you.”
Transcript
Porn addiction and procrastination are things that so many people struggle with today. And in this coaching session that happened during one of our live Q&As, I work with a man who’s struggling with exactly this. And we touch the underlying shame beneath it and what the thing is trying to not feel and what happens when you feel the thing underneath the shame and how it frees you. Um, how do I stop procrastinating and how do I stop watching porn? I’ve been trying it for my whole life. Um, I’ve tried it really, really hard. Yeah. Um, and I feel so much shame. I’ve gotten better at not feeling as much shame for it, but um, I still feel shame. And I’m so good at making myself unhappy. Other people or other circumstances in my life don’t have um as much impact on my happiness as I have on myself because I don’t act the way I want to act in so many circumstances of my life. Yeah. If all that story stopped, what would happen to your procrastination? Let’s just do procrastination for a moment. That whole story. Yeah. That story you just expressed, it goes on in your head all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If I could just stop that story. You couldn’t. Not that it’s bad. But if I just like clicked my fingers and that story stopped, it would probably help. Yeah. I would probably not think about it as much and I would be more natural and I would pursue my goals better and I would probably just — it would help I think. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So let’s try the question again without the story inside of you. So just — if that story couldn’t exist inside of you what would you ask me? Um, I’ve actually already written down a different question which might be the one then. Um, no, don’t do that because then you’re going into your head. Just live without the story for a moment. I know it’s a challenge. Live without the story for a moment and just tell me what the question is. How do I find my potential? So feel your heart and your gut and yeah there you go. Now what’s the question without the story? The question — how do I become myself? Yeah, lovely question. Right. So the pain of this procrastination and the pain of the pornography is that it’s not who you are. No. Yeah. Yeah. Let’s just sit with that reality for a minute. You know, it’s not who you are. You turn it into a story of I’m bad. You turn into a story of I’m not enough. You turn it into a story of I’m responsible for my own happiness. But in its basic core is you just know it’s not who you are. So, let’s just sit with that story for a second. Actually, let’s see what it’s like to say it out loud. We’ll just stick with procrastination, but procrastination isn’t who I am. And just say it like three or four times and tell me what happens. Procrastination isn’t what I am. Procrastination is not what I am. No, no convincing. You know it. Yeah, I know. Procrastination is not what I am. All right. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, your head is trying to figure something out. Let it just dissolve. Okay. Just try to feel then. Yeah. Don’t try to feel. You are feeling. It’s happening. Whether you like it or not. Okay. Yeah. What are you essentially? What are you that has never changed and never been hurt, never been guilted, never been touched by all these stories? What is that part of you? Well, the question of who I am, I’ve asked that question a lot. Um but I’ve also read about it a lot. I don’t know if the answer is really from myself or from the book I’m reading, but I would say the answer is I’m awareness. Um, and I have moments. That might be your answer. But that wasn’t your whole body answer. Let’s go back to your whole body. Out of the head, out of the story, into the heart, into the gut. What are you essentially? Just feel it. Don’t — I don’t need a goddamn answer. Just feel what you are essentially. Okay. Yeah. I feel like I’m a lot and I can give a lot and I can do a lot. I know that story. I just want you to feel it. I don’t need an answer. What are you? Yeah. You’re still thinking. Go back to the heart. Go back to the gut. This is all your procrastination. All your pornography is to avoid this — what are — not the intellectual idea of awareness but the felt sense of what you are whole body. Why would I want to avoid it through procrastination? Because I think it’s something very positive. I don’t think that’s something I need to avoid or escape from. Well, show me then. Do it for just 30 seconds. Be with what you are essentially in your whole body for 30 seconds and let’s find out what makes you avoid it. Without talking, I guess. Okay. Don’t care if you talk. That’s not what was happening. Whole body. What are — yeah, there you go. What are — yeah. What are you essentially? You’re not letting it all in. See what it’s like to let that whole a-lotness in. There’s a little bit of avoiding through transing out there. I’m also thinking and I’m — yeah, I mean it’s a super hard question. I could feel stuff. So that’s the best part is that’s your — so your first line of defense against what you are essentially is to think and then the thinking gets so rattled and shame-filled that you need to avoid the thinking and you do that with procrastination, doom scrolling, pornography, blah blah blah blah. There’s probably a dozen others. So, what you are essentially feels good but somehow overwhelming. Moves to thinking, moves to self-critical thinking, moves to avoidance of self-critical thinking. Okay. Interesting. Yeah. So, back to — I’m giving your poor brain a story so it can shut up for a minute and we can get back to the real work, which is what are you essentially? There’s your thinking again. Okay. The first avoidance. Well, that’s hard to do. Yeah. So, do you want — what makes you avoid — wait, you said if it feels so good, what makes you avoid it? That’s the question. What’s the answer? I don’t know. I’m lost right now. I’m really lost. Great. Yeah. Good. When you say you’re lost, it means your brain can’t keep up. And that’s good because your brain is the brakes. Okay. Yeah. So, it’s just this really simple thing. It’s what are you? You’ve always been that. And when you feel it, it’s a lot. That’s the words you used. You said, “Oh, this is a lot. I’m a lot.” Mhm. It’s big. Yeah. Yeah. Feel that bigness for a minute. There you go. Take a deep breath in. Fully feel it. Not trying to feel it. It’s just there. It’s your nature. Yeah. It’s more a knowing. When I think about who I am, then I also think about all the stuff I can do. I’m very athletic. I have cool skills. That’s what I think about. And that creates a feeling which is nice. A feeling of a lot or potential or when I think about how I am to other people which I think is very good. Yeah, but it’s still a knowing. Yeah. Still very intellectual. Yeah. But just notice one of the things that’s happening even when you’re just a little bit more in your whole body. The story changes from what’s wrong with you to that you’re a good person, that you’re good to people, that you have skills, that immediately just a little more presence in your body and that story changes. Yeah, I have had — so, we’re going to go even deeper. We’re going to let go of that story for a minute. Oh, you did it. But then you stopped doing it. Oh, did you see that? Yeah. Right there. Yeah. How much meditation have you done? For a couple months, every evening for like 10 minutes, then I stopped again. Yesterday I did it again. It was really nice. I will do it again every day, I think. Yeah. Okay. I’m not suggesting it. I’m just wondering what your history is with it. Yeah. So, back to what you are. Essentially, it’s never changed. A skill comes and goes. Being nice to somebody comes and goes, but there’s something that’s never come and gone. It’s always been here. Don’t try to figure it out. Feel it. I felt it before. Maybe I cannot feel it now. Oh, you can feel it. It’s what you are. It’s never left. How? Where is it going to go? Yeah. I mean, could it be love? Let’s find out. Yeah. So, when you were a kid, tell me how your love was dismissed. Tell me how this very sweet boy that I see in front of me was told that they weren’t allowed, that their love couldn’t be seen and felt. I think my parents were very strict with me when I was in a restaurant and I was loud. They were quieting me and told me to not do crazy stuff maybe or to not be impolite to people. Like they’re kind of strict and I was never able to get angry at them. When I got angry at my mom or my dad I was shut down so extremely. Yeah. And I was just yelled at and put in the car and left there. And — yeah. And that little boy that was this exuberant love was shut down. Yeah. And now you’re shutting it down every time I ask you the question, “What are you?” essentially the same way your parents did. They shush you with your voice, try to figure it out, try to control you, try to manage you, put you in the car. I can feel stuff. Yeah. I just want you to stay in that place that you were feeling. Yeah, I feel compassion. Yeah. Yeah. That’s because you’re a sweetheart. So, what are you essentially? Love. Yeah. I don’t want you to answer. I want you to feel. So now I’m going to ask you to use your head for just a minute. Let’s say you get really good at letting this in that you really get good at just being with what you are essentially. What happens to your procrastination? What happens to your porn use? It goes away. Yeah. So you’ve been focused on how do I stop procrastinating? How do I stop using porn? That never works or very seldom works. If you want it to go away, stay focused on being with what you are essentially — all of it. So, let’s do it one more time. Just what is it to not try to figure it out? Just be with what you are. Yeah, there you go. They can’t. If you’re trying, then you’re not doing it right. And that’s what you just discovered. You went to try and you’re like, “No.” And there’s this relaxation and there you are. It’s always there. You are giving me difficult tasks. That’s interesting. How is this difficult? I think yeah usually — what’s more difficult — what’s more difficult to be with what you are essentially or to not? Well I can’t not be. I can only escape from it or distract myself from it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is more difficult to resist it or not resist it? Oh yeah. Resistance is hard. Yeah. Oh it hurts. I don’t want to do it anymore. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Doesn’t make sense. Yeah, it doesn’t make sense. Oh, yeah. So, the story is that it’s hard, but in reality, it’s far easier to not resist it. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. You’re welcome. And thanks a lot for your time. It’s so cool that you do this stuff and that you give so much for free. Oh, that really — oh, now I can feel the love, man. Really? Yeah, I can feel love for you. Yeah, thank you. A lot of it. I listen to your podcast so much every time I drive. And thank you. Thank you. Thank you for seeing me. The thing that’s seeing me right now, I see it in you. The thing you’re saying about me right now, I see it in you. That’s what I mean to say. Yeah. You couldn’t see that about me if it wasn’t true in you. Mhm. Thank you, man. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you.