Summary
A man arrives feeling hopeless, even suicidal—stuck in the same financial, love, and life position for ten years. He frames it as needing help (with marketing, with overwhelm) while also wanting to help everyone else: his parents, his coaching clients. Joe locates the engine of the stagnation in that exact split: one part wants to be helped, another resists being helped, and the two pull in opposite directions, producing stuckness.
Rather than answer the man’s “how do I move my life forward,” Joe insists the thing to address is the very dynamic playing out in the room. The man keeps responding with “confusion”—I’m trying, I don’t get it—and Joe reframes the confusion as resistance. The proof is in the pattern: every marketer he hired failed to deliver, which is how you know someone doesn’t actually want help. Joe ties it to the man’s father, whom he resisted his whole life while also trying to earn his love. He’s transferred that game onto his marketers, onto Joe, and onto life itself.
Working within the man’s Islamic faith, Joe uses the image of the bird that flies out to find the food God provides. The man admits he’s told God he’s too tired to fly. Joe guides him toward accepting love—from God, and from the people trying to help—rather than resisting it. The shift comes when the man feels, rather than intellectualizes, being seen and loved, and sees that if he stops resisting and accepts help, the right people will actually help him.
Key Concepts
- Simultaneously wanting and refusing help creates stagnation
- Confusion can be resistance in disguise
- Resisting help replays the relationship with your father
- The stuckness you came to solve is happening right now in the room
- Accepting love is the game you actually want to play
Key Quotes
“One part of you is like I want to be helped and it’s going in one direction and one part of you is like I want to help and it’s going in a different direction and it’s creating stagnation in your life.”
“That’s part of how you know somebody doesn’t want help is all the help that they try to get for themselves fail.”
“So your marketers are your dad. I’m your dad right now. And you’re resisting our help.”
“I can’t tell you because whatever I say, you’re going to resist.”
“You’re resisting God. … And you’re saying to God, I don’t want to fly.”
“What’s the game you want to play? What’s the relationship you want? … I want a loving relationship.”
Transcript
Kind: captions Language: en I’m stuck and I don’t know how to unstuck myself. >> Stuck in what? >> I can’t move forward. I don’t see anything forward. I’m feeling hopeless. Suicidal. Um, >> did you say hopeless and suicidal? >> Mhm. >> Okay. Because >> because failed at a business. >> No, because I’ve been trying for a very long time. and life hasn’t quite moved forward for me. I feel like I’m in the same position that I’ve been in last 10 years. Probably >> the same position meaning financial position, love position, life position, >> everything. everything. I’m trying to get out of the situation, take myself out of the situation and it’s not going in a way. Um, we where I can actually be stable and help my parents help people around me and if I cannot help, I just don’t see. So, it’s an interesting thing that I’m seeing in your situation, which is that like on one level you say, “I can’t, so I need to be helped.” And on another level, you want to be able to help everybody. So, what’s happening there? >> I I didn’t get the question. >> You said, “I need help. I needed to hire people to do marketing. I need help because I’m this and this and this ADHD, blah blah blah blah.” So, there’s some aspect of you that wants a whole bunch of help and to be supported. And there’s another aspect of you that feels like you have to, should, or want to help a whole bunch of other people. You want a coach, that’s helping. You want to help your parents, that’s helping. But there’s an other part of you that wants to be helped, wants to be taken care of. >> Yeah. Yeah. Um, so the part that I struggle with actually. >> Yeah. So, how is that not the thing that’s stopping you? One part of you is like I want to be helped and it’s going in one direction and one part of you is like I want to help and it’s going in a different direction and it’s creating stagnation in your life. >> Okay, >> I’m asking it’s a question how is that not the thing that’s stopping you? >> Stopping me from what? >> Moving your life forward. >> I don’t think I quite get the question. >> I >> if all of you wanted to help or if all of you wanted to be helped, would your life move better? How much better would your life move right now? >> Help others or help myself? >> Right now, you want help, but you don’t want help. Yeah, that’s true. In a way uh in some parts of my life. Yes, I’ I’ve noticed that. >> I mean right now. >> Right now. Okay. >> Right now. And it’s m creating a stagnation in this conversation. >> Okay. I don’t see how though. That’s right. >> So, you want help and you don’t want help. That’s all we have to focus on. What? What’s going on there? How much of that is slowing you down? I want help. I don’t want help. I want to help people, but I don’t want to help people. Like, what’s happening? >> No, I want I want to help people. >> And I need help with things that I cannot manage myself. >> So, I cannot do everything for myself. that’s overwhelming me. So if I can hire people who can do those things >> then I can focus on things that I do better. >> What’s the thing that you do better? >> I can coach better then I can do social media or I can do marketing or I can do you know I don’t enjoy doing those um over it overwhelms me. I gets even more stuck there. So I thought let me hire people who can relieve me with that. And >> so the thing that’s confusing me is like the way that most coaches work is that they just start coaching people and they coach everywhere and any place that they can start coaching it becomes like natural and then all of a sudden they have clients. this is how it worked for me and then there was more clients and then there was more clients and there and then I had to say no to clients and then people came around and said hey let’s build a business around it and business started happening but you’re like you’re not focused you’re like somehow or another you need help you don’t need help to coach people what’s happening it’s happening again right now you’re like I want your help but I don’t want your hope it comes as confusion. It looks like like in your mind you think it’s confusion but there’s a resistance to something happening in your system. What are you resisting? More confusion. Confusion probably. Yes. Yeah. Uh I I I really can’t figure um >> is this what happens with the marketing too? It’s like uh I need someone to do this because I kind of get into the same space. >> Yeah. >> Marketing is super overwhelming for me. >> And Yeah. >> And it shows up as like a confusion like this this like I’m focused. I’m trying to get it but I don’t get it kind of thing. >> This is this is the thing. this this thing that you’re dealing with in this moment is the thing to be addressed. >> Okay? >> It’s not how do I move my life forward. It’s like what’s creating this? I’m mimicking you right now. So, you know what’s creating that. >> Do you have any clue? >> I I I’ve already told you. You want to be helped, but you don’t want to be helped right now with me. But I could be dead wrong. I could be dead wrong. We’ll have to just be >> I’m trying. I’m I’m trying to understand. >> I know. That’s the whole thing. You’re trying. You tried to do the marketing, too. You trying is part of the process. It’s part of the part of the >> here’s this thing. It brings confusion. I’m going to try. I can’t do it. I need help, but I don’t particularly want your help. Oh, okay. Um, >> there it is again. >> Uh, I’m I’m I’m thinking where in the marketing area I sort of resisted not wanting their help. >> Yeah. Yeah, I I I’ve given them everything they needed, everything they’ve asked for. >> you’ve helped them >> media people. >> You’ve helped them. >> You’ve given them money. >> Have they helped you? >> They promised me. Nope. The answer is no. >> Leads. No. Yeah, >> that’s right. >> Right. >> That’s part of how you know somebody doesn’t want help is all the help that they try to get for themselves fail. So, what’s the thing that makes you want the help but not? Do you have parents who constantly were trying to help you get to where they wanted you to go and you constantly resisted them >> or subcon? >> Yeah, I resisted. Yeah, I resisted my my dad all all my life. >> Yeah. Great. >> Yeah. All my life. >> So, your marketers are your dad. I’m your dad right now. And you’re resisting our help. >> You see it? >> You’re you constantly resisted your dad and that relationship didn’t develop. Now you’ve switched dad to life and you’re constantly resisting that and it’s not developing. >> So how do I not resist them? I >> I can’t tell you because whatever I say, you’re going to resist. >> Anything I say, you’re going to resist. There’s no way I get I there’s no way I can win. >> As long as I’m your dad, I’m going to I’m going to be resisted. As long as the marketers are your dad, they know what’s best. D whatever. I >> I don’t I don’t feel like I’m resisting you, though. I I I’m trying to grasp. >> You were trying to get your dad’s love the whole time, too. That’s how it works. That’s the pattern. The pattern is I’m resisting though I’m trying to get your love. I’m trying to get it, but I’m resisting it. That’s the friction I was talking about. How do I not do that? >> I can’t answer that. If I answer that, then you’ll resist me. It’ll be over. We’ll just be stuck in this conversation. You’ll do this like confusion thing. You’ll go look at me. You’ll get really focused on it. Some part of your brain will be writing me off. I don’t feel this way that I’m right. I’m like like help me please. I don’t see it. I’m like help me please. >> Great. I trust that. H how do you do it? How do you how do you stop resisting the help that the universe wants? Isn’t in the Quran they talk about the bird that goes and finds the food, gets provisions? Do you know what I’m talking about? >> Yeah. Yeah. >> How does the bird stop resisting? >> It It goes searches for food and God provides. It has to go out and search for food. >> That’s right. >> I’m super tired doing this. I have >> There’s your resistance. >> Yes. Right now, I’m resisting hiring more people because I >> You’re resisting God. I sometimes >> the bird flies out. Yeah. And God provides. >> I I sometimes tell >> And you’re saying to God, I don’t want to fly. >> Yeah, I did tell him that. I’m done. I I’m too tired. I cannot do it anymore. >> Yeah, >> I’ve told him that. that’s that’s what’s happening. You’re playing the game that you learned from your dad. You’re playing with me, with the marketing people, with God. What’s the game you wanted to play with your dad? Not the game that was given to you, but the game that you wanted to play in your heart. Feel your heart. your father? What’s the relationship you wanted to have with your dad? You’re trying not to feel this cuz it’s going to hurt. I see you. to be loved and seen like I that’s coming from my intellect. >> Great. >> Um >> it’s fine. Love and be seen. Is that what you said? >> He lives with me and he can never do that. So I just learned it’s okay. Yeah. So, yeah, maybe you can’t ever have that with him, but see what see if you can have that with God like right now. See if God will play that game with you. >> Can God see you? >> Yeah, God actually saved me. Um, >> can God love you right now? right now. Can God love you? >> He loves everybody. That’s intellectual answer, but >> great. I don’t want the intellectual answer. I want to know if your heart can feel God’s love right now. >> It comes and goes right now. God’s love in in in Islam it said that if God loves you he will test you and test means you will be like tested stretched so I feel the stretch so yeah he loves me in that way >> right >> it’s not he doesn’t make things easy if he loves somebody That’s how we >> I’m watching I’m watching you actually accept his love right now. You’re actually playing the game you wanted to play as a kid. >> This is >> actually he loves me because I’ve been praying that you se select me and I was like okay if it doesn’t that’s all right that’s fine. And then you you said my name. I was like, “Really? Me? Me?” >> Okay. Yeah. >> Yeah. So, do you want to play this game? >> With the marketing people, with me, with God, or do you want to play the game your dad taught you? What’s the game you want to play? What’s the relationship you want? >> I want a loving relationship. >> I want a receiving and giving and Is do you need anybody’s permission to coach? No. What happens to your life if you have a loving relationship with God? If you accept the love? If you accept everybody who wants to help you, don’t resist. Don’t push. But if I don’t resist, don’t push, people who genuinely can help me will help because I’m feeling people I’m hiring, they’re taking advantage and not delivering. So I’ll hire better or the same people are going to work better. >> You see it. >> What a pleasure. >> Thank you. >> Thank you. Thank you. >> If you just finished watching this and you’re thinking, “Oo, I want Joe to coach me.” I appreciate that. I really do. And there’s ways to make that happen. But it’s not what I would recommend. What I would recommend is learning the skills that you need so that transformation is a part of your everyday life. So, it’s something that happens consistently and the best way that I know to do that is to take the connection course. We’ve designed it just for that purpose so you can learn how to relate to people in a way that transformation just happens every day.