Summary
In this coaching session, Joe works with Rebecca, a self-employed woman who feels she has enormous emotional expression to bring to her work but is held back by pressure, fear of outcomes, and concerns about money. She describes feeling like she could “cry and laugh at the same time” because so much is right at the edge of her consciousness.
Joe quickly identifies that Rebecca has learned to contain her emotional life in order to connect with others—defaulting to logical, intellectual communication rather than her full embodied expression. He traces this pattern to her childhood with a choleric father, where she learned that emotions are “too much” and that she is responsible for how others feel after her emotional expression.
The session culminates in Joe guiding Rebecca through a nonverbal connection exercise and then having her declare “I’m not responsible for how you feel” to him and the entire group. She discovers that 80% of the “abuse” she’s avoiding is internal self-talk, not external rejection. Joe points out that her emotional expressiveness is a gift that people would actually adore, and that containing it robs others of that experience.
Key Concepts
- Containing emotions to connect actually disconnects you
- Eighty percent of feared rejection is internal self-talk
- Declaring “I’m not responsible for how you feel” restores full expression
Key Quotes
“What’s the part of yourself that you disconnect with so that you can connect with me?”
“No, you don’t. That’s not—you got taught that. But that’s not how the world works. Like go check out two three-year-olds meeting each other and playing. There’s like—no sentences need to be exchanged.”
“How much of the abuse that you’re avoiding is internal and how much of it is external?” — “80% internal because I feel responsible for how they feel after I had my emotional setup.”
“You’re taking that away from people because a couple people are going to get angry at you.”
“That’s the real thing you learned from your dad in his choleric state… kids are learned that they’re responsible for the emotions of the parent.”
Transcript
My question it’s along the lines of I’ve been I know I have like so many like feelings and so much expression I can bring to my work. I’m self-employed but initially I thought the question is how can I enjoy myself and myself in the process of creation during work more but I think it’s like how do I bring myself and my whole expression that really is there because I feel it’s there. How can I bring this all to the table without feeling so pressured by I don’t know if it’s fear it’s the outcome it’s kind of maybe a bit of money the yeah just something that comes after the process that I feel like cannot disconnect so well and that’s stopping me from really like showing up with all that I have to bring to the table and I know everything I do I can do it so much better with full presence and with like removing the barriers that clearly are there but I don’t know Oh, how much of that’s happening right now? A lot. Yeah. So, like literally cry and laugh at you at the same time because there’s so much I know. Yeah. So, so, so it sounds like what’s happening is that some you have a story that you have to contain this cry laughter that’s always right there at the edge of your consciousness. Is that what what I’m hearing? What what like let’s leave your work aside for just a second because if it’s happening now, it’s not just about work. So what’s the thing that you feel like you have to contain to connect with me? I always try to connect first on a level like on a on a logical intellectual level because I need to make sentences that make sense for everyone. No, you don’t. That’s not that’s you got taught that. I get it. But that’s not how the world works. Like go check out two three-year-olds meeting each other and playing. There’s like there no sentences need to be exchanged. Most of our communication is non-verbal. So what but the question is still there. What’s the thing that you feel like you have to contain to be able to connect with me? What’s the part of yourself you disconnect with so that you can connect with me? I don’t I don’t need your thinking. You just were thinking. I want like I want I want that from the whole body. What’s the part of yourself that you have to dis that you tell yourself you have to disconnect with to to connect with me? all emotions because they were not met or not welcomed or too much or too little or in the opposite like my father for example he was like very colleric so he had like lots of emotions and it kind of hurt me when I was so I just learned probably that that old emotions and when they’re too much yeah yeah I can see you holding it back right now actually like you you have an idea that you’re like emotional expression is going to be too much for me. All without any words right there, Rebecca. What if I learned that the world couldn’t meet me with my emotions? And the world can’t the world can’t meet you with some part of the world can. I I if there was a woman named Christy Trip right here right now, I would literally bring her on and and you all would just like have a conversation together without any words and love each other by the end of like 2 minutes. And she’s like one of the like like pillars of our community. You the whole world’s not going to be able to meet you, but a lot of the world is going to be able to meet you. Actually, revel in you. So let that in for a minute. What what would what would your life look like if you were actually your full emotional self and you just saw like there was a percentage of people who just adored that lighter. Yeah. She’ll have cuz he takes effort to hold it. Yeah. Yeah. I was looking at all the faces. I saw it in you immediately without like no words. You were like bursting against your own rigidity like Yeah. So, let let’s do it. Let’s just be together without words for a couple minutes and see if we can actually communicate and just see what it what it is that we’re talking what we’re saying to one another without any words. just with that full emotional life. So, what just happened? Look what just happened. I said, “We’re just going to be with each other in the full emotional life.” And you went to go and what’ you do? You went checked on stuff, made sure all the things were right, turned off whatever. Yeah. What was really going Yeah. I made like the the the chat disappear and everything. Yeah. Yeah, that’s what I did. What would make you want to like push this gift down? And this gift too, even the tears. Like what would make you want to push this down? Not the old you, not the learned you, but like the you right now. fear of getting backlash or being not understood or not felt and just not seen in that way. Every single person here is not understood and not felt and not seen in some way somewhere with somebody But if you don’t show up like this, how are you going to like create a world that accepts this? Who treasures it? Who who adores it? Me. If I if I talk to the people about Christy Trip and some of them know Christy Trip and so they’ll probably afterwards like put in the chat, you know, she’ll I’ll ask them to just tell you how much everybody adores Christy Trip. It’s freaking like I love that woman. Like why you’re get you’re taking that away from people because this couple people are going to get angry at you. I guess it’s been a way to keep myself safe. That’s right. Yeah. From what? Internally from what? Not externally. From being hurt emotionally probably internally hurting yourself emotionally. Others. Yeah. Check. Find my reaction. How much of it about others or how much of it is about you trying to avoid your own self-talk? Sorry, can you repeat that? Huh? How much of it is about emotionally being hurt by others, them saying da da d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d or how much is it that you do it and then you say to yourself, “Oh, you shouldn’t have done that. You shouldn’t have been so big. You shouldn’t have cried. You shouldn’t have Like how much of the abuse that you’re avoiding is internal and how much of it is external? 80% internal because I feel responsible for how they feel after I had my emotional setup. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Yeah. So, do me a favor. That’s the That’s the real thing you learned from your dad in his caloric state. Is that the right cleric? I can’t remember. It’s the caleric cleric. Yeah. Um in that state often times pe kids are learned that they’re responsible for their the emotions of the parent. That’s like a very common thing. So I just want you to do me a favor and just say I’m not responsible for how you feel, Joe. I’m not responsible for how you feel, Joe. Okay. Now say it like with all of you, not just with like Yeah. Yeah. Yes. And that, by the way, Christy Trip does that, too. Christy Trip does this all the time. She wags her tail. Yeah. That all of you. I’m not responsible for how you feel, Joe. I’m not responsible for how you feel. Yeah. Now, to everybody, all whatever hundreds of people that are on the call, I’m not responsible for how you all feel. I’m not responsible for how you all feel. Yeah. One more time, but with all of you. Say it. Say it with all of you again. Don’t have to do it right. You just have to be you doing it. I’m not responsible for how you feel. Yeah. What a pleasure. Oh, I hope I get to meet you again. What a pleasure. Thank you so much. Such a pleasure to meet you, too. Oh my goodness. Yes. Every day I get dozens of requests from people who ask me to coach them or to take them on as a client. And obviously I can’t do that with everybody, but that’s why we created the connection course because the same principles that apply in coaching can be applied to relational interactions in something like the connection course. So if you’re interested in this kind of transformation, I highly recommend doing the courses first because it works consistently for a lot of people.