Summary
In this coaching session from a live Q&A, a participant shares their struggle with wanting to reconnect with estranged parents while protecting themselves from old patterns of guilt and emotional harm. They grew up with an absent, aggressive father and a guilt-tripping mother who used them as a therapist, and after two years of healing and no contact, they feel torn between the desire for connection and fear of being hurt again.
Joe guides them through the realization that the guilt they feel about not calling their parents is the same mechanism their mother used — guilt as a mask for fear. Through a role-play exercise, the participant practices responding to their mother’s guilt with empathy for the underlying fear and anger, rather than defensiveness. They discover that their mother’s “don’t be so sensitive” was actually self-directed, and that the father’s role as the angry one forced the mother into passive-aggressive guilt patterns.
The session culminates in the participant welcoming their own hurt — the hurt that was never properly welcomed as a child — and experiencing it as “half terror, half love.” When they then look at their parents, they see not villains but people living in terror. Joe names this as heartbreak increasing the capacity to love: allowing the heart to break open is what makes genuine, boundaried connection with parents possible.
Key Concepts
- Guilt is inherited fear in disguise
- Loving parents requires open heart and strong boundaries
- Seeing parents’ terror dissolves resentment
- Welcoming childhood hurt expands capacity to love
Key Quotes
“How can you love your parents without an open heart? How can you love your parents without boundaries?”
“Every time she’s scared, she moves to guilt. And you are like, ‘Fuck you. I don’t want to take on your fear.‘”
“When she was saying you’re the sensitive one, don’t be so sensitive — she was talking to herself the whole time.”
“Almost feels like terror. Looks like it’s half terror, half love.”
“This is what makes you want to be with your parents. Because this is — it’s allowing you to love. Like you’re allowing your heart to break. It’s increasing your capacity to love.”
Transcript
There’s so many of us in life that want our relationship with our parents to improve, but we’re scared to do it because we think we’re going to have to sacrifice some part of oursel. In this coaching session, which happened during one of our live Q&A, we meet a person who’s struggling with exactly that problem and how they find themselves in figuring out what to do around their parents. My question is um I’m in conflict on I don’t speak with my parents. Yeah. And uh I’ve heard your stories on how you you know send a letter to your father and all of that and that all very much resonate with me. And uh I’m in this place where I feel like I deeply want to connect with them, talk to them, visit with them sometimes. And I’ve been so hurt and I’ve healed so much in the last 2 years that I completely stopped talking with them. And I’ve made space for people that can see me and it’s been so incredibly healing and at the same time there’s this guilt shame of not speaking with them. So, how do I any any advice or how do I Yeah, I’m not going to give you advice, but yeah. Gotcha. So, um sounds like when before you left, their habit was to guilt you. A lot of guilt. My mother, yes. Guilting me a lot. My father’s just Where are they now? In Slovenia. Okay. That’s where I’m from. I gotcha. And um and dad is just absent. I don’t even know how to describe him. I honestly haven’t met a person like that. Um maybe mild alcoholic, but that was never an issue. He just didn’t see me. Um in his head, everybody’s against him, I think. Highly insecure on the inside, highly aggressive uh on the outside, very uh I was very scared of him as a kid and also wanted a deep connection. and my mother uh would um kind of shame me for being sensitive to his deeply hurting words and why am I so sensitive and you know just get over it and gotcha. So that was kind of dynamic till I was in my 20s. And how badly do your parents want to speak to you now? Um my dad reaches out once a year. He reached out now because he had 70th birthday and I guess it something triggered him to want his kids around I guess but other than that barely anything. My mother I had to cut her off. She loved to talk to me because I was practically her therapist for years. Got it. Yeah. What’s the relationship you want with your parents? I would like to visit with them, hug them. No, I mean um you you can’t control anything about how they’re going to do their thing in the world. What’s what what is when you look at your parents, how do you want to be with them? In the energy of love and acceptance. Great. And yet highly um caring for myself. Gotcha. Within that. Yeah. So you want to have an openhearted, high boundaried relationship. It sounds like Yes. Yeah. How can you love your parents without an open heart? I I can’t. How can you love your parents without boundaries? I can’t either. Okay. There’s this guilt that not doing it. Yeah. Yeah. That’s that’s what you were taught. Yeah. So, let’s start with the guilt. See what it’s like to love the guilt and be boundaried with the guilt in this minute. You’re Yeah, I I don’t know how to do that. Um I don’t believe you. I think you’re doing it. It feels like a scared little kid. That’s right. Yeah. So then you’re already there. Yeah. That’s your mom. Let’s Yeah, let’s make sure we double down on the boundary with the guilt. What would you say to guilt for a boundary? see you. I know what you’re doing, what you’re trying to do, and and uh I know how deeply you care. Yeah. Yeah. And that’s as far as I can go. So the thing about your mom’s guilt is that there’s a fear. Every time she’s scared, she moves to guilt. And you are like, “Fuck you. I don’t want to take on your fear.” Yes. Yeah. Right. So you push it away. So I want you to be your mom. You’re going to guilt me. We’re going to try something out and we’re going to see how it works in your system. Okay. Okay. You can guilt me. Why can’t you be different? Why are you so sensitive? I can’t say anything anymore. Uh, hey, Mom. Mom, I see that you’re really scared. And I just want you to know I can be right here with you in that. I’m right here. What do you mean really scared? What? What kind of Austin is that? This deep What? What was that? I don’t you just don’t want to be here and talk to me if you don’t want to visit me. Yeah. I also see that you’re really angry and I can be right here with that, too. I don’t need you to be any different. Oh, what happened in you? Just to just to witness that for a second. What happened in you? I just had a thought. My dad was the angry one, so she couldn’t be angry. So I was like, “Oh, that’s underneath that is the anger that she’s not expressing that.” Cuz he took that role of the angry person. So she had to be the nice but guilt tripping person. Yeah. Passive aggressive, right? That’s right. I just saw the fear in her all the time. So she always called me, “You’re the strong one.” cuz you know I didn’t show any fear even though I was scared like hell. So in other words when she was saying you’re the sensitive one don’t be so sensitive she was talking to herself the whole time. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. So what stops you if you can just be with the fear and the anger? What stopped you from being able to call your parents? The boundary. That’s what even with the guilt. That was the hard part. The boundary. Yeah. What’s What would make you think you can’t hold a boundary now? I guess I’m scared that the emotions will over overpower me and I won’t think straight and then I will um not be able to hold a boundary and I will get hurt again. Yeah, probably will happen. I guess I’m tired of feeling the hurt. I can be with your hurt. I don’t need it to change. just comes and goes all the time. I feel it hits me all the time randomly. So, just one second. See what it’s like to welcome that hurt in that in a way that you always wanted it to be welcomed when you were a kid. So, you were a kid and you hurt and your dad would just get angry and your mom would guilt trip you. Imagine that it like someone just was there to be able to be with you in that hurt in the way that you wanted and be with that hurt the same way. Like just totally welcome and embrace that hurt. I still see you resisting it a little bit. It feels like my heart goes just Yeah. Let it do that. Let it do that all the way. Even more welcoming. [Music] Yeah. Almost feels like terror. Looks like it’s half terror, half love. And now think about your mom and dad, right? Again, you just did that for like a minute or something. How do you see them differently? Not in story, but in They’re both in terror. Yeah, they’re both in in in such insane fear. Yeah, that tells me that you’re seeing them with more love. To see them, to have that empathy. I saw the scared parts, but it’s it’s terror. It’s horror almost. Yeah, they lived through some man. This is what makes you want to be with your parents. Because this is it’s allowing you to love like you’re allowing your heart to break. It’s increasing your capacity to love. Feel it. Yeah. Thank you, Joe. You’re very welcome. Total pleasure. Thank you so much.