Summary
A widowed filmmaker comes to Joe asking how to “let go” so she can exit the phase of grief she’s been in for a year and a half after her husband died of a long, unexpected sickness. She frames her dilemma as a binary: her life used to be about “us,” and now it has to become about “me.” She wants permission to step out of the safe place she built for herself into whatever comes next.
Joe dismantles the premise that letting go is required. Instead of asking how to stop doing her work “for us,” he asks what she would do if she kept doing it for them. The answer is the same — tell stories, do passion projects, give the love she feels. Joe points out there is no way for her to lose this love; she literally cannot get rid of her husband. The photos aren’t coming out of the frames.
The pivot is from holding the love personally to making it non-personal. Her husband taught her how to love by the way he attuned to her, by catching every micro-expression and shift on her face. The invitation is to love the world the way he loved her — to see and attune to everyone the way he saw and attuned to her. Joe guides her out of the story and into her body, asking her to make the love non-personal, then to feel both the personal love for him and the non-personal love at once. She lands in both at the same time and finds it beautiful.
Key Concepts
- Grief doesn’t end, the love transforms
- You cannot lose the love someone gave you
- Personal love can be made non-personal and given to the world
- The person who loved you is a conduit to loving everything
Key Quotes
“It’s good news. You can’t get rid of him.”
“It’s like he’s the conduit to the greater thing that you’re after.”
“Make the love that you have for him non-personal. Have it be for everything and everyone.”
“See the world the way he saw you. Attune to the world the way he attuned to you.”
“So I don’t have to trap this love for him. I can expand it to the world is what you’re saying.”
“Maybe there’s something we can do that just shows allows that rip of reality to actually be a gift rather than a a weirdness.”
Transcript
I have a lot of gifts to offer the world. And how do I let go a little more to exit this phase that I’m in? I I’m kind of in a purgatory um from grief. I’m leaving a phase of grief and stepping out into the next phase, whatever that is. And I feel ready, but I still think of my life as us, not just me. >> Wait, so I just need real details. You’re you’re in a breakup. You just finished a breakup. >> No, my husband died last year about a year and a half ago. >> Oh, >> it was very traumatic. >> I’m sorry. >> Complex type of trauma, obviously. >> Yeah. um >> natural drugs, sickness, >> just sickness. >> Yeah, but it was it was a long sickness, but it was also unexpected, too. It was I didn’t we I didn’t think that was going to happen. >> Gotcha. Kids? >> No. >> Okay. >> So, and you’re and you’re So, you’re in this grief. You you said you’re at the end of the grief cycle, but is it just that you want to be at the end of the grief cycle? Well, what I mean is um is you it’s been a year and a half of retreat. Um let yourself heal. Let yourself your brain process therapy. I’ve done a lot of EMDR. I’ve really tend my >> process. Yeah. I need you to get the mic up towards your mouth. Unfortunately, it’s just it’s very hard to Yeah. >> So, um I’ve been grieving and letting myself um you know, feel and let my brain process. I’ve been doing EMDR and therapy and I’m >> back into work and just taking care of everything and the grief process is long. It’ll be your whole life of you’ll always miss someone and >> Yep. That’s right. >> I don’t think it’ll be over anything, but I now am at the phase where I Okay, I can see a life for myself in the future. I still have things to offer the world. I’m not done >> great, >> but I feel like I’m in a purgatory of like the safe place that I created for myself. >> I’m ready to step out. How do I let go a little more of this mindset of my life is about us and we because I was married, you know, but >> yeah, >> now my life is about me. I’m carrying him with me and everything, but it’s just it’s hard to explain, but >> No, I got it. I get it. Um, what’s the gift? Well, I’m a filmmaker, a editor and shooter, and I’m a great storyteller. Um, I have a great job that is part of that that um I love, but I still can do many wonderful side projects and things that just make me feel excited to be on the planet still. >> Great. And so, if your story changed a little bit and and you’re still doing it for us, what what happens? >> What? Say that again. >> You said I like I used to think about it as doing it for us, but now it’s me. What if you just continued saying this is for us? What would you be doing? >> Um, I think that was kind of posed to me by someone of just what if what if you think of things more like you like are you ready to put some photos away? Are you ready to step into another thing? But, you know, >> I’m asking something different. I’m saying if your gift, if what you’re going to do in the world is still for us, what are you going to do in the world? well, gosh, create stories, tell stories, um, find passion projects, do things that make me feel excited to give this love that I have. >> Great. >> So, what makes it need to be about you? Um, nothing. There’s nothing that like I guess it doesn’t matter, does it? >> No. I can still have that and continue. >> There’s no way for you not to have it. I would argue. >> Yeah. Like maybe I don’t need to let go more to have that. Maybe I just I mean I understand if I have another relationship in the future and stuff there would be the photos would you know be come out of the frames or whatnot but >> maybe >> I have um a person who reached out to me recently and he lost his um wife same thing very horrible disease and then he found a woman who um entire family was taken by a wave wave. >> Yeah, >> a sneaker wave. Two kids and and husband. >> I I’m pretty sure the pictures aren’t done in their house. >> So, I can still have him. >> It’s good news. You can’t get rid of him. >> It’s good. I don’t want to. >> Yeah, clearly. [laughter] >> I mean, I want to love again. I want to have another relationship, but >> great. [clears throat] You’re destined to a very strange form of polyamory. >> I’ve even asked him, you know, okay, you you send me the guy then because, you know, I’m I’m going to lead up. You pick you pick him and you know, don’t worry, it’ll still be us, you know, but you know, oh my gosh. So weird. These are weird problems. But >> death is weird. >> Yeah, it definitely is. It’s like a little rip inside of reality. >> Yeah. And I’m still feel like it’s not real. I’m still in that. And maybe it’ll take years and years of my brain to >> Yeah. But maybe there’s something we can do that just shows allows that rip of reality to actually be a gift rather than a a weirdness. It it seems like what it’s showing you is is a love that’s beyond you. And see what it’s like to feel that love, the love that you say is for him, that is for him on some level. And see what it’s like to make that love nonpersonal. You said something. If I was doing it with him, I would still share stories to share the love that I feel and I see. >> I he was the first person that I we married when I was in my early 40s, so later in life. um >> met in our 20s but we married later and so >> I he was the first person that really saw me like I felt really seen like the attention I felt that >> I’m a creative I need a lot of attention like you said >> and so micro expressions on my face the time I would just even think of something different he’d say what’s going on kind of how you do with you’re like you you feel the shift in someone immediately you’re like what that >> and I felt that and so I want to continue that beyond now that our relationship is different I guess you’d say >> I want to be able to offer things to the world now that I know what that feels like to be seen like that >> forever different >> for having been loved that way >> you’ve been loved well Yeah. And there’s this like weird invitation to love the world that way. >> Yeah. Yeah. I got a I got a pet right away because we wanted a dog. We were supposed to move here. Actually, this was our we found it together and then he died the week I moved in. Sleeping on an air mattress going to the ICU here, you know. >> Yeah. It was rough. I just But I got a dog right away because we moved here so we could get a dog >> together. He wanted a dog. And so I’ve been able to just continue giving that love unconditionally to >> the pet. And >> so I’m going to ask you to move away from the story right now and actually just do it in your body. >> Make the love that you have for him non-personal. Have it be for everything and everyone. Oh. See the world the way he saw you. Attune to the world the way he attuned to you. The feeling is like he taught me how to love. >> He was so nurturing. >> Sweet. I had a guarded macho like can’t show that >> level. I was never a mother. So >> but I was a mother to my little dog. >> And the way that he was tender >> when I say to him, “Oh, you want a treat?” It’s sort of in the tone that he would >> love me. I I could hear it in my voice. And so >> that’s the gift. >> That’s the invitation. >> Okay. So I don’t have to trap this love for him. I can expand it to the world is what you’re saying. >> Thank you. >> I I don’t think you cannot honestly. It doesn’t have to be I get rid of him and figure out how to do something. >> it’s like he’s the conduit to the greater thing that you’re after. I’m going to get a little weird with you. I want you to now try both. I want you to feel that love that you have for him like the conduit and then feel the love that you have for the non-personal There. You hit it. >> Same. And wonderful at the same time. And really beautiful. Thank you. >> Thank you very much. >> Thanks for watching the video. And if you’re interested in having this level of conversation, not as like a video that you watch, but something that happens in your daily life. It’s an easy thing to learn and we teach it all the time at the connection course. As a matter of fact, right now there are a whole bunch of people having transformative conversations in the connection course. So, if that’s something that turns you on, go ahead and click the link below.