Summary
A man asks Joe how to love himself — specifically, how to stop dismissing his accomplishments and needs. Joe reframes the question immediately: instead of analyzing why he dismisses himself, Joe invites him to simply welcome himself, right now, in front of everyone.
The man touches the welcoming briefly, then pulls away. Joe guides him to notice the pattern: he knows this spacious, peaceful place, but shame pulls him out every time. Someone shamed him for being that big and open, so he learned to contract. The exercise becomes welcoming everything — the trying, the resistance, the shame, the comparison — without calling any of it bad.
By the end, the man realizes that welcoming is the answer to his question. Self-love isn’t an achievement to unlock — it’s a practice of welcoming whatever arises, including the parts that resist welcoming. The pattern that stops him at work is the same one: he opens up, shame arrives, he contracts and self-criticizes, then tells himself a story that the criticism drives improvement.
Key Concepts
- Welcoming whatever arises is self-love
- Shame interrupts openness and pulls you out of spaciousness
- False humility is a defense against being seen
Key Quotes
“So, what makes it — the question isn’t how do I love myself?”
“Show me what it would be like to welcome yourself right now.”
“You could just be walking through life welcoming yourself.”
“The pattern is that you know that place but after you are in that place somehow you have a learning that you need to feel shame after that place.”
“Part of the issue is that you criticize yourself, but the other part of the issue is that you resist the experience entirely. You call it bad.”
Transcript
I like this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And notice how much this is love. Self love. Eyes open. Yeah. Look at them. Yeah. I needed this. How do I love myself is a question that I often get when I’m doing public coaching. And in this video, you’re going to watch a man really go through that and feel the underlying shame that creates that inability to love yourself. If you’re interested in this or if this is what you’re going through, follow along and enjoy. Why don’t well, why do I tend to dismiss my accomplishments and also to even more than ignore my needs? I feel like I dismiss them or feel like I not right to have them. How how how is the answer to that question going to help you? What’s the thing that that what’s that str the strategy of getting that question answered gets you what? Um I mean my immediate reaction is like some way of loving myself maybe more. Okay. So what makes it the question isn’t how do I love myself or Yeah. Yeah. I mean it’s literally that. So it’s a one of the ways that you think of loving yourself is to acknowledge your accomplishments. One of the ways you think of loving yourself is what else? What was the other one? Uh acknowledging that I have needs and not dismissing them. Maybe. Okay. What makes you say maybe? I guess I’m just not a certain discomfort with with something. It feels like Okay. So, tell tell me what give give me a need that you are uncomfortable with. I think I have a hard time articulating those. Um being seen, recognized, not just accepted, but welcomed. Cool. Great. Show me what it would be like to welcome yourself right now. Oh, you did it for a second. What happened? Felt like it was in here for a second and then it either I pulled away. Yeah. Let’s go back. Go back to welcoming yourself and notice what makes you stop. Just be with it. You’re going to Yeah, there it is. What happened? What’ you do? Like I just quieted. So, okay. How is it to hold a quiet and a welcoming at the same time? So, what I notice is you’re there’s some trying that’s going on in your system right now. There’s some trying to figure it out. But the first time you welcomed yourself, it was an immediate I feel like I try a lot. I feel like it’s sort of my Cool. So, welcome. Welcome the trying. Okay. Yeah. There you are. Yeah. feels lighter. Yeah. Like I can move. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. What What happened? I stopped again. Yeah. So, there’s a there’s this opportunity potentially. You could just be walking through life welcoming yourself. I could. Yeah. Right. which will then you’ll then beat yourself up for not doing and then you’ll you know like that whole shit thing will happen right you know. Yeah. I wouldn’t know anything about that. Yeah. Exactly. Right. Right. Right. So the other thing that I’m noticing is the more you welcome yourself the redder your face is getting because Yeah. And some acknowledgement too. How much how much is this right that there’s an acknowledgement as you welcome yourself, you’re actually being seen and welcomed by all these people. Oh, it’s awesome. Okay. Thought I’d be a lot more scared of it than I am. I’m going to feel a little a little nerves. Oh, like keep welcoming yourself. I don’t want to like the idea now is that you’re going to welcome yourself in this whole conversation. Okay. There’s no reason to stop. So, yeah. And it’s going to bring some crazy ass emotions up as you said. Oh my god. Yeah. I can bunch of bubbling there. Yeah. Yeah. You So back to welcoming. Welcome the trying. Welcome the trying. Yeah. Yeah. And then just name the things that come up and then tell me how you’re welcoming them. I just feel like a sense of trying to be open here. Yeah. It’s like so welcome that trying. Okay. And welcome the openness. Okay. And welcome the resistance to being open. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, the question was, “How do I love myself?” Yeah. How we doing? I feel like I’m better. I’m on a Yeah. I want to say I’m on a path. So that that’s how it works is as you welcome whatever arises and it’s a welcoming. It’s like I I can’t wait for you. Whether it’s the sadness or the flushing or the resistance to the resistance against the longing, the trying. So, so tell me what’s required right now. Um, what’s required to like welcome the whole thing in this moment a desire to do it. You have that. I do. So, let’s let’s see it. Let’s see what it looks like just to welcome all of it in this moment. Feels like I want to open my arms. Great. Yeah. You know this place, man. This is not your first time here. No. Is this what happens when you’re working? Not consistently, but Ah, so that’s self- judgment. You can welcome that too. Yeah, that that’s good. Yeah. Yeah. So some so this is this is Yeah. Stay stay with exactly what’s happening and I want to point out a pattern. The pattern is that you know that place but after you are in that place somehow you it you you have a learning that you need to feel shame after that place. Yes. right? That being that big and peaceful and spacious is a shameful thing because someone was jealous of you and so shamed you out of it when you went there. Something like that. So go back there to the welcoming everything for a minute and when that shame arises Yeah. Don’t Yeah. Yeah. And when that shame arises, welcome that too. Wow. Yeah. How is that shame when that shame is welcomed? How is it different than It’s actually doesn’t feel I don’t feel as much resistance as I would have thought. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So this is what happens in your work too. You you you go to that place and then you feel some sort of shame. You beat yourself up for something self-critical. Something pulls you out of the out of that place of complete welcoming. Yeah. And then you tell yourself some story that if you didn’t criticize yourself like that, you wouldn’t have the drive to improve. What what’s what’s the story you tell yourself? Um just that like it’s I I’m not allowed to have it. Yeah. Cool. I think about what you’ve said about being in a comparative mindset and I think about how often I do that. Can you welcome that? I can’t. Right. I welcome I welcome my comparative mindset. It helps me be good in work. There’s a brilliance in it. Yeah. Yeah. That’s great. Yeah. Wow. So part of the issue is that you criticize yourself, but the other part of the issue is that you resist the experience entirely. Right. You call it bad. I shouldn’t be doing that. So your question was how do you love yourself and or how do you give yourself needs? How how do you allow yourself the needs? So what’s the need that wouldn’t get met if you were welcoming? What’s the need that wouldn’t get met if I if any a need to to to do better to compare to Yeah. If you were welcoming that, how would that then I wouldn’t then what’s the problem? Yeah. Yeah. So, let’s go back to you just welcoming yourself in the conversation because one of the things I notic is that you’re really good at welcoming the thing when you’re in your own space. Mhm. And you’ve created a really nice own space. But when you get in front of somebody else, there’s some way in which you do that false humility thing. Oh, I do that a lot. Yeah. Yeah. It’s a defensive thing. It must be. Yeah. So, just be with everybody here on the call with that welcoming, that deep welcoming. Yeah. I needed this. Yeah. And tell me what would make it that you don’t deserve this. Nothing. Nothing. Yeah. Pleasure.