Summary
Joe coaches a woman who freezes around male authority figures who remind her of her father. She judges them as self-absorbed and unable to see her — the same judgment she has of her father. Joe turns this back: how is being wrapped up in wanting to be seen not the same thing she judges them for? She recognizes it immediately.
The session reveals three interconnected losses in the authority trigger: empowerment (rebelling or complying both put the authority in the control seat), wants (she loses touch with her genuine motivation), and being seen (she reinforces the story that authorities can’t see her). Her rebellion — stopping productive work — undermines all three simultaneously.
Joe guides her into the felt experience of being seen without submitting and without fighting. She discovers a false dichotomy: she believed the only options were to fight or roll over. This is the hallmark of a “power over” mindset — seeing every dynamic as win-lose. The somatic exploration leads her toward balance, which she realizes requires love. When she brings upright, undefended love to the authority figure dynamic, she can stay in her truth even when the other person misreads her — “it did hurt, and it is absolutely fine that you don’t see the way it hurt.”
Key Concepts
- We judge others for exactly what we’re doing ourselves
- Rebellion empowers the authority figure just as compliance does
- Fight or collapse is a false dichotomy born from power-over thinking
- Empowerment is love without submission or fight
- Wanting to be seen prevents you from seeing others
Key Quotes
“How is that not true about you — that you’re wrapped up in yourself so much that you can’t see others?”
“To rebel against somebody or to do what they tell you — both put them in the control seat.”
“How can we be balanced with each other without love?”
“I didn’t mean that as an attack. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” … “And it did hurt. And it is absolutely fine that you don’t see the way it hurt. It’s okay.”
“To be empowered is to be in your truth while being open and loving.”
Transcript
foreign myself or I just want to roll over and stay safe I either want to fight against myself or I don’t want to listen welcome to the art of accomplishment where we explore how deepening connection with ourselves and others leads to creating the life we want with enjoyment and ease today we’re going to share a coaching session between Joe and a woman in our community who is experiencing tension around authority figures the conversation starts off with workplace challenges and very quickly ties into her relationship with her father ultimately touching on how she can give and receive love we’ve removed her name and other identifying information for the sake of confidentiality while listening to this conversation pay some attention to Joe’s state of mind and how he holds the view principles these are the kinds of conversations that Joe has with participants and that participants learn to have with each other in the art of accomplishment course let’s get started what do you want to talk about today I notice I freeze around people who remind me of my father especially in work situations like this is a foreign repeatedly yeah how do you see them as like your father they don’t see me how do you know they don’t see you because it’s very clear they don’t know how I tick what’s the evidence well I’m doing something I’m motivated and then they start to speak to what they think I’m motivated by they’ll be like good job oh here this is exactly what we need out of a team member who wants to step into leadership and just like whatever shit they’re gonna tell me I like uh this isn’t why I’m doing this I’m doing it because I love it not doing it for money what if they did see you and you you can’t recognize it I’m not saying that that’s true by any stretch but if it were true what would it mean well I mean I’m judging the shit out of them I think that’s true um I think it would mean let’s just get I do think that’s true it would mean um what makes you judge your father what made you judge your father I thought he was wrapped up in himself so much that he couldn’t see anyone else yeah how is that not true about you that’s a scary question for me to ask but how is that not true about you that you’re wrapped up in myself so much that I can’t see others or so much that you care whether people see you wow I want to be seen it seems like Again by certain people yeah it’s because I’m still wanting that one kind of attention I’ve decided I didn’t get right so how is that not being wrapped up in yourself I think it is it’s wrapped up in my wanting yeah what makes you judge people for what you’re doing well when they do it well when they do it obviously Joe it is way worse than when I do it I’m a better person than that yeah so okay so you’re sitting in the meeting and the person’s like oh this is exactly what I want from a leader yeah what are you not seeing about them in that moment I feel I feel like firming what they want right so that’s the judgment similar to you being focused on what you want to be seen in this particular way but what what are you not seeing about them how are you not allowing the men how are you not seeing them as a full person if they’re telling me that that’s what they want I notice there’s a part of me that closes to them first yeah I’m like oh you’re not you’re not coming to go meet me so I’m like tired of bringing myself to try to meet you right so one thing I just noticed and I want to come back to it which is you didn’t answer the question like what is it that you’re not seeing about them you’re telling me what it is that’s hard to see about them but I’m going to detour for just a second because my curiosity totally my Wonder just went in this other direction okay um how is your relationship with your wants affecting your judgment about what they want I believe that asking for exactly for what I want isn’t very effective that’s which I think is part of what’s getting in the way yeah I’m not just explicitly asking for what I want right right right and it sounds like that’s not they’re not doing that either in that moment that’s right that’s right true so if them not asking directly for what they want makes you feel unseen what does it say about you not asking directly for what you want if anything the logic is that they’re unseen I don’t feel it I don’t want to feel it I don’t want to feel that yeah how does it feel to just say it just be like I am not seeing anybody clearly like right now look at me do you think you’re seeing me clearly like how how clearly do you think you’re seeing me ah ah definitely not a hundred percent nothing is 100 okay so like hi I don’t know at what point do I get to feel upset at you for not feeling seen like what’s the percentage percent or below or like in that range that’s not good enough okay that’s that’s when I get to be upset at you yes definitely okay and whose criteria do we get to use like how do we get the data to know what percentage it’s at well right like so so so as an example how true is it that you don’t want to be in a leadership position generally um how true is it that I don’t want to be in a leadership position generally historically I have bulked right now no I definitely want to be in charge so they are seeing you I really do want to be in charge no I that’s true they are seeing me but if they’re telling me then it like feels like they’re putting power back over of like pat on the head good job little leader and I’m like shit you okay right so what they’re not seeing is that you already are a leader what they’re not seeing is I don’t need you to affirm me oh yeah I just want it I just want it you just you don’t believe that you’re a little like encouragements that’s like the opposite it’s creating a power Dynamic that I reject so how much of this is about not being seen and how much of this is about your own empowerment yes I think it’s how empowering is it to care about being seen or about how they treat you it’s not very empowering but I really want it so like what I’m noticing is there’s like a want component that’s not fully lived there’s the being seen component that’s not really lived and there’s the empowerment component that’s not being really fully lived yep want seen empowerment yeah yeah so how do you undermine the people who fall into that category fall into the dad category if in any way how do you undermine them oh definitely there is a way um oh from let’s see well uh I could think of a few things one is I I just immediately project that you’re trying to control me or manage me even if they’re really just doing something that’s very normal right so how does that just that thing so one of the ways that you undermine them is Project they’re trying to control you and what’s your action I have trouble being productive and the more space they give me the more I can be productive I got it so what you do is you stop performing for them that’s that’s the way you undermine got it so when that Dynamic happens how are you undermining your own empowerment I’m going to ask you three questions about each of these things empowerment being seen in that moment whatever the third one was that I forgot what that’s the other one uh I’m undermining my empowerment well just the fact that I’m responding to that it feels like I’m still surrendering my power on some level I’m still surrendering my power on some level yeah to rebel against somebody or to do what they tell you both of us put them in the control seat yeah okay so one of the things that by undermining them you’ve empowered them okay right and I’ve decided I’m like helpless to do other like it’s hard to figure out how to get out of that right right right I’m not productive I want to be productive ah it’s your fault you know whatever yeah yeah and then the second one is want how is it um that you’re abandoning your wants in that scenario where you’re undermining them by rebelling against them by not being productive because they patted you on the head yeah I feel like I’m getting out of touch with the part of me that just simply wants to work on this project once to build this Vision wants to contribute to this company like the independent of the authority figure okay and then the third one was there was empowerment want and oh not being seen so how is it that you’re preventing yourself from being seen in this scenario in this scenario I’m reinforcing a story I don’t know if that’s right okay let me ask a question you have somebody working for you and they’ve stopped being productive what are your choices in interacting with them to get them to be productive or to accept that they won’t be productive like what are your what are your choices sit down and talk with them and ask what’s happening for them right so that puts you in the control position what’s the next one um I can give them space just say hey you know everyone goes through Ebbs and flows let’s just see what happens over time um I could um ask somebody else to check in with them you know go around the side door I could uh take the project away from them I could um yeah adjust the project be like okay actually now I just I need this scope and this time give you like I can micromanage right um how about give them lots of compliments in the hopes that they’ll respond to positive reinforcement oh right I guess that’s a thing it’s not a thing I do see it’s already not even a thing I think about I’m like that doesn’t work yeah so out of all these options how many of them would make you feel seen I do think sitting down and asking me what’s up really vulnerably without there being any punishment energy at all that would feel great how many people do you know who respond that way like if you were to guess there’s a hundred managers how many would respond in that way very none of them not many of them maybe one of them okay so we’ll call it one percent of them will yeah sure in that case you’ve proven that 99 of them can’t see you or what am I missing by saying that I don’t feel like I need that all the time you know what it what it really is is it’s I’m specifically triggered if it’s like again a man who reminds me of my dad because if it’s a woman no issues well you can do any of those things and I don’t care right so there’s these three things that all happen this wanting disempowerment and not being seen and like overall how do you see it that you’re creating this in your world if in any way I mean you might not see that at all you might see that it’s actually all their fault but what is it that if there’s any way you see your creation of it how one thing that I’ve definitely hit on is I’m not letting myself be seen like it’s a okay how would it be to stop right now and let yourself be seen really scary how deep are you going right now and letting yourself be seen 20 percent there’s like a submission quality that’s not the thing uh beautiful so how is it to be seen without submitting without surrendering in your complete empowerment it’s like the two it’s like either I’m like one of those yeah right so how would it be for you to say to me this is this is scary one for me to ask how would it be to say to me Joe I I want to surrender to you or I want to fight you I don’t want to be with you I just want to surrender to you or fight you yeah I want to fight you yeah ah or want to roll over I want to roll over and not get hurt yeah how much distance did that just create between us I was in the saying um which distance something about sharing it felt kind of good instead of like having an invisible fight happening I felt like more Clarity like honesty transparency and how does it say to say the opposite of it how does it feel to say the opposite the opposite I want to fight with myself no I wanna let’s try that yeah that made me very curious okay Joe I either want to fight myself or I just want to roll over and stay safe I either want to fight against myself or I don’t want to listen what’s the opposite of fighting ah it feels like you’re still fighting a little bit I am I’m totally still fighting just a little it’s just like softer I’m like oh maybe if I fight a little quieter maybe if I do it like this because then I’ll also feel like collapse the other side and I’m like wait yeah okay stand back up what is this so how would it be to try it again and feel the feeling of fight or rolling over and then letting your body feel the exact opposite of those emotions yeah I’m like bringing myself back in there’s some some like mild dissociation I notice you stopped looking at me when you’re trying to feel this yeah I feel like I lose connection with myself when I look at you um I don’t lose connection with myself it’s like a thinner path or something it’s a lot it feels more difficult so what would this feeling be if you weren’t resisting it if you weren’t disassociating if you weren’t scared it feels really alive it also feels almost like so alive that also feels scary listening to this interaction we can see how she feels like there’s a dichotomy between rolling over and fighting this is a false dichotomy that a lot of people hold it’s an indicator that you’re in a power over state of mind seeing the dynamic as a win or lose zero-sum game that someone’s going to win and someone else is not so many of our conversations are structured in this way and it can be really hard to move from power over into empowerment let’s listen further to see what happens so what I’ve heard you described so far is something that feels alive and full of energy and undefended and I repeatedly have things like ah it’s maybe not safe you know all the other things out here how am I feeling about you right now in your estimation you feel very calm and grounded I don’t know you feel about me though yeah yeah about you you feel kind of awe it’s really nice yeah it feels good how much of me is fighting you and how much of me is rolling over for you you’re not rolling over you’re um you’ve had to guess how much am I fighting you oh very low if probably a tiny bit is like it’s very very low what’s the fight that little itty bitty bit what am I fighting you to do for what’s the purpose it’s a very light feeling of like my bringing my attention or like being it’s there’s just a very light touch to it all right so there’s there’s some part of me trying to control you a little bit a little bit it’s like guiding attention just this like light yeah there’s a little bit like I I you know in partiality is I think impossible to get rid of but there there is a little bit that’s like what I want to know what the feeling is when it’s unresistant yeah sure so if that’s true how would it be possible for someone to not some way want to control you like even that is a subtle way in which I want to control you I don’t think there’s a way to not do that I don’t think I’d take strong issue with everyone trying to control me but yeah but when needed it sounds like it’s a good reason to feel like you’re not being seen what am I missing it’s certainly a Surefire excuse why I’m not being seen yeah that’s right you’re trying to control me yes of course I’m human yes yeah and I and I can’t deny I’m still really curious what is this experience of non-fight of non-rolling over what’s your body’s answer to that question balance came up I don’t like the word equality I think there’s some shit in that but I there’s something yeah we are definitely not shit equal how could we be our hand size isn’t the same but like balance there’s still a meeting that feels balanced where it’s not you or me or you or me and how can we be balanced with each other without love how can we be balances each other Without Love and my head was like I wasn’t tracking love so far increase or decrease the amount of love you feel towards me and see how it affects balance if at all well that was fun so automatic okay I feel like just patterns in my face being like distance okay uh ah distance what what’s that distance like how does the distance relate to fight or rolling over it feels a little bit like it’s still fight in essence it’s like I’m gonna keep you at a distance yeah yeah I will be over here and you’re gonna be over there yeah I’m just gonna manage this but because if you get too close it’s fight that’s what I’ve decided yeah yeah and how does that relate to balance I feel off miles back like physically somatically my body is defending back inside I’m off balance back oh I still feel falling forward that’s the motion I’m like kind of holding trying to love feels a lot like falling forward so what would happen if you took that experience to this authority figure boss whoever it is that Pats you on the head says I see you want to be a good leader that empowered upright non-falling forward love non-submissive love yeah I’ll be the authority figure you see what happens you tell me speak from that place and see what happens I have been treating you like a person a person in my head and so the person who’s here oh wow I haven’t given you a chance to get to know me thank you for that that really lets me know that you’re ready for leadership soon oh ouch how much of a relief how much of joy is there in that pain I go to you I go to you then like but you’re gonna misinterpret that you’re gonna think let me try to repeat myself or you’re gonna think she’s not taking me seriously right now oh like if I’m in the position of the authority figure yeah if you go out then I’m going to attack in some way yeah yeah I didn’t mean that as an attack I didn’t mean to hurt you hmm stay in that place upright undefended love what what happens from that place and it did hurt yeah and it is absolutely fine that you don’t see the way it hurt it’s okay uh uh yeah that was perfect it was beautiful to see her come out of the session in her stance of empowerment The Stance of empowerment is one where you’re open-hearted but you’re boundaried it’s one where you state your truth with courage and you’re not worried about the consequences or another person’s reaction and You’re vulnerable because that’s what’s rewarding to you and not because of what someone else is going to do to be empowered is to be in your truth while being open and loving let’s send some gratitude to our guest for her vulnerability in sharing this session publicly it landed very deeply in me and I learned a lot about myself and how I relate to power dynamics I’m going to close with a few integration questions sit and wonder with these questions for a moment and just see what comes up how is your relationship with authority influenced by your relationship with your parents what stands in the way of you loving somebody that you judge what are things that you judge about others that you also judge about yourself thanks for listening