Summary
Joe explores why some family relationships feel like home while others feel like obligation, using three stories. First, a friend who came out as gay to his Catholic father — the father chose his son over his religion, creating a relationship free of judgment. Second, a pregnant woman whose mother won’t share the news because the daughter isn’t married — creating a relationship full of criticism and management. Third, Joe’s own experience setting a boundary with his critical father, waiting two years for the relationship to reset.
The core teaching is that managing, criticizing, and judging family members — even with good intentions — communicates “I don’t trust you” and turns the relationship into obligation. Joe advocates for replacing management with honest conversation about how you want to relate, drawing boundaries without ultimatums, and loving people as they are rather than as you need them to be.
Key Concepts
- Managing someone communicates you don’t trust them
- Criticism turns family relationships into obligation
- Rebellion becomes the only sense of self under suffocating control
- Talk about how you want to relate
Key Quotes
“Every single one of those things is saying, ‘I don’t trust you to take care of yourself.‘”
“I wouldn’t hang out with anybody who does that to me. So, I’m just not going to hang out with you if you’re going to do that. But I love you and I really want to hang out with you.”
“When you suffocate a kid like that, then the only way that they can get a sense of self is to rebel against you.”
“I hate nagging you. It sucks. It feels like crap in my system to nag you.”
“We all want to be in relationships where we are loved and supported and we do our best work. We thrive the most when we are in loving, supportive relationships, not when we’re in relationships that are criticizing us.”
Transcript
I had a friend. He w I lived in LA at the time. He was like 24 years old, born and raised Catholic. Dad was a Catholic school teacher. And this man realized that he was gay or admitted to himself he was gay. And I I got to be there for the whole thing. And he finally decided he was going to go and tell his parents. So he tells his parents and he comes back and he’s telling me this story about how his dad just started balling when he told him that he was gay. And I was like, “Oh man, that’s horrible.” And he’s like, “No, it was fantastic.” I was like, “What?” He’s like, “Yeah.” He he cried and then he looked at me and he said, “I can’t be Catholic anymore. Like, I know that you wouldn’t choose to be gay and I’m not allowed to like I then you have to go to hell according to my religion and I can’t abide by a religion where you would go to hell. Like there must be something wrong.” Guess what? That that guy wants to go home, see his parents. He doesn’t feel judged. he doesn’t feel managed. Now, another story similarly. I’m just walking today with um somebody who I know well and she’s pregnant and she was telling me how her mom didn’t share with any of the family that she was pregnant. And she asked many reasons, like many times, why aren’t you sharing anything? And she had a whole bunch of excuses, but at the end of the day, most likely it was that she’s not married. She’s been living with a beautiful man. They’re great, but they’ve chosen not to get married. And the mom is not happy with that. Feels like it reflects poorly on her. You can imagine this woman doesn’t particularly want to go home because when she goes home, she’s going to be criticized. She’s going to be judged. She’s going to be managed. I need you to be X, Y, and Z so that I look good, so that I can feel good, so that I get my way. And if I go into like the homes of most of my daughter’s friends, the parents are telling them how to wash the dishes. They’re telling them what what to wear. Are you doing your homework? Are you They’re like getting checked on. They’re getting managed. Every single one of those things is saying, “I don’t trust you to take care of yourself. You’re not you’re not saying, ‘Hey, where do you want me to to help you or assist you?’ You’re just doing it.” And so, I had this exact same thing happen with my parents. And at some point, I just I saw it. I just recognized it. And I called up my dad and I said, you know, every time I come home, you criticize me. You tell me what I’m doing wrong. You tell me what I need to do to be good enough. And I wouldn’t hang out with anybody who does that to me. So, I’m just not going to hang out with you if you’re going to do that. But I love you and I really want to hang out with you. So, just let me know when you’re prepared to like hang out with me and not judge me, not criticize me, not try to manage me. One year passed. two two years passed, but he finally called and I I came to his house and it was wonderful to be with him in a way where we could just be together. And he wasn’t telling me I had to be different. He wasn’t telling me that I had to change. It wasn’t this constant state of criticism. If you’re having a hard time with your kid, it’s not because they don’t love you. And it’s not because you don’t love your parents. Like, we can’t stop that. We all want a good relationship with our parents. And we all want good loving relationships with our kids. That is as inherent in us as eating, as breathing. It is it is part of our essence. It’s as our nature. And nobody wants that to come with a whole bunch of judgment and criticism and management. So with my girls, if there’s something that I feel like, oh my gosh, I need to manage this thing, I’ll talk to them about that. But I’ll just say, “Hey, I’m concerned about this thing and I don’t want to manage you cuz managing you sucks.” I mean, I remember the first time I recognized this. I was like nagging my girls or something. They were like six or seven years old. And I sat down and I was like, “I hate nagging you. It sucks. It feels like crap in my system to nag you.” And they were like, “Yeah, it feels like crap to be nagged.” I was like, “Yeah, yeah, I remember. Like I still have a memory of being of being nagged by my mom.” I’m like, “Yeah, this and we like literally even at that young age, like how do we live this life together without me nagging you, but me still teaching you what I need to teach you?” Because that’s my job as a parent. And with teenagers especially, you can say like, “Hey, I don’t want to be nagging you or telling you you have to don’t forget this and you got to do this and did you do this?” And and when you do that, when you suffocate a kid like that, then the only way that they can get a sense of self is to rebel against you. If you want a great relationship with your kids, the easiest thing to do is to not manage them, not criticize them. Allow them to be them. Like, love them the way that you’ve always wanted to be loved. And if you’re a kid who wants a better relationship with your parent, the best thing to do is to draw the boundary to be really real with them and let them know, hey, I want a great relationship with you, but I’m not willing to be criticized and managed all the time. It’s something that I get to see all the time in the connection course, which is so cool, where somebody’s done the connection course and they’re like, “Oh, I want to do this with my parent.” And all of a sudden, the relationship changes because they’re talking about how they want to relate to each other. And as soon as they see each other, as soon as they see like, oh, you’re human and we can relate, not in a pattern, but like the way that we both want to relate because nobody wants to nag. Nobody wants to criticize. It feels like crap. You just see the relationship change tremendously. And it’s because we all really, really want the same thing. We all want to be in relationships where we are loved and supported and we do our best work. We thrive the most when we are in loving, supportive relationships, not when we’re in relationships that are criticizing us.