Summary
In this coaching session from a live Q&A, a man asks Joe whether he should stop drinking entirely or just moderate. Joe quickly redirects from the surface question — alcohol — to the underlying dynamic: the man drinks to escape shame and guilt, and the drinking creates more shame and guilt, forming a downward spiral.
Joe identifies a rebellious part (“fuck you, I want what I want”) that actually wants easy connection with self and others. Through a live demonstration of connection, Joe shows the man that what he’s really seeking — open-hearted connection — is available right now without alcohol. The man realizes alcohol has been giving him permission to let his heart shine. Joe distills it: “When you put your heart in a box, you want to drink. No heart in a box, no want to drink.”
Key Concepts
- Shame fuels the habit that creates more shame
- Rebellion secretly wants connection
- Alcohol as permission to open the heart
Key Quotes
“How does it feel to know that you’ve been running away from shame and guilt and in the running away from it creating more shame and guilt?”
“Shame is the locks that hold the chains of bad habits in place.”
“I see this like amazingly big heart that somehow or another needs like alcohol to give you permission to shine.”
“When you put your heart in a box, you want to drink. No heart in a box, no want to drink.”
“What is it that you do want? I want connection with myself and others. Easy connection with myself and others.”
Transcript
how does it feel to know that you’ve been running away from shame and guilt and in the running away from it creating more shame and guilt in this coaching session we’re going to see how bad habits and fear of connection are related this was recorded in one of my live Q&A calls where people from the public can raise their hand and be coached by me I hope you enjoy it so I’m struggling to decide about sobriety and was you’re the question was like do I just do I completely stop drinking or do I um just drink a little bit kind of kind of like that yeah pretty much that I think that’s what I’d written about um maybe I’ve refined it a little bit more in my in my head since then great what’s the question um the question is uh like what do I what do I choose um do I choose path of fun and quick fix in the present moment or do I choose do I think about the the the future ups and the future downside of of continuing to to drink and it’s not huge drinking we’re talking about I’m just talking about um as as I get older I just feel like it’s not doing me a lot of good and yet I’m still deeply attracted to it what’s the longest you’ve gone in the last two years without drinking in the last two years probably one month in the last five years I’ve gone two years oh I see so I’ve been kind of on and off up and down doing this you know doing this what is the drinking get you what do the drinking get you um Quick Fix relaxation and kind of um without State a change of state Yeah Yeah from what to what what’s the state it gives you from from actually there’s um in this discussion today so far um I’m feeling into the shame and guilt piece that I’m trying to escape it gives you a relief from shame and guilt yeah yeah yeah so what if the question was um should I give up shame and guilt or not juicy gets to the heart of it for sure shame is the locks that hold the chains of bad habits in place was a quote I think Adia Shante said it yeah so when I see um you know I have out of your head out of your head for a minute and I just want you to guys see that moment you had this access to it which is like how does it feel to know that you’ve been running away from shame and guilt and in the running away from it creating more shame and guilt creating more shame and guilt that’s where I am it’s just like a downward spiral yeah how does that feel not not what do you think of it like what’s the emotional feels like crap feels Dreadful feel it how much Rebellion is in there how much is of like you can’t tell me what to do is in there uh until you said it I couldn’t have um identified that but it’s there yeah if you were to pull that part out for a minute what would it say that really hidden little yeah I want what I want yeah what would oh yeah right that’s what it would say yeah yeah yeah what so I’m gonna just speak to that part of you for a minute what what is it that you do want I want connection with myself and others easy connection with myself and others oh cool how hard is your connection with me right now how hard is it I don’t know right now it’s happening right now no it’s happening yeah I’m I’m I’m I’m still feeling so much of the of the rubbish that I’m struggling to actually be present yeah so that means you’re connected to the rubbish and me yeah yeah how hard is it I’m speaking to the part of you that’s like I don’t want to know you know I’m speaking to that part I’m with you that I want you to have connection too and I want it to be easy how hard is this it’s hard I’m trying to it hard cool what makes it hard my resistance to what my my Rebellion uh my wanting an easy path so you’re wanting of an easy pass is is what’s making the easy path to connection right now hard is that what I is that what you just said I’m getting I’m getting confused as you should how right there how hard was that connection super easy I’m getting yeah super easy I this is the thing that I see I see this like amazingly big heart that somehow or another needs like alcohol to give you permission to shine yeah that’s that that’s that’s the Nugget yeah do you see mine shining back at you usually hugely yeah does it look hard not a bit it felt hard for a while were you oh yeah love was a dangerous thing what I’m noticing right now is my I’m sitting here with my hands outstretched in yeah in um like connection mode yeah yeah when you when when you put put your heart in a box you want to drink no heart in a box no want to drink I love that I can see you like that’s a whole but yeah I see yeah awesome thanks Joe