Summary
A man struggling to access difficult emotions — particularly grief from his divorce — is coached by Joe in a public Q&A session. His ex-wife left suddenly with a letter, refusing counseling or conversation. He taught himself not to cry and isolates in a new city.
Joe guides him to open his heart to the people on the call, asking him to notice who is loving him right now and to receive it. The man moves through shame into connection, saying “I love you” to a stranger on the call. Joe then directs him to extend that love to his ex-wife, which surfaces intense anger. Joe facilitates a raw anger expression where the man finally says everything he never got to say. The session reveals that his shame is anger turned inward — and releasing the anger will dissipate the shame.
Key Concepts
- Shame is anger turned inward
- Connection with others dissolves shame
- You can’t make yourself feel emotions by trying
Key Quotes
“What I noticed is that there’s like a shame standing in the way of our connection.”
“I love you — it’s the only thing that really comes up. It’s something that I often find myself wanting to say to people.”
“There’s a hundred people on this call who see a beautiful man and there’s one who sees something to be ashamed of.”
“The shame is your anger turned inwards, and so if you let the anger out it’s going to dissipate the shame.”
Transcript
what i notic is that there’s like a shame standing in the way of our connection how right am I what am I missing if anything yeah uh I guess it’s shame but fear of um being laughed at fear of having other people see me cry I taught myself not to cry in this coaching session we’re going to dive into how sometimes an emotion that we don’t want to feel is actually covering up a much scarier emotion this session was filmed in one of our public q&as where people can raise a hand and be coached by me I’m sure if you pay attention you’ll get a lot out of it um so I have a lot of trouble accessing the difficult emotions when I want to yeah they come up when I don’t want them to when I’m out in public I’m talking to somebody or or whatever and I suppress crying and um mostly crying yeah and then when I when I try and sit with it it just doesn’t come up but what’s what’s the problem with that what what what do you want to access your emotions for to process the um kind of the unresolved things what unres feel feel the things that I didn’t have a chance to feel and to process like things associated with my my divorce and oh I see um childhood trauma just you know various things like that what was what was the reason for the divorce in her mind like if you were to describe why she said she went for the course if yeah if I was to like put it into a a few words lack of connection um yeah and for the way that it happened it was just a big surprise for me and um it’s like she comes home one day with a letter and reads it allowed to me and doesn’t let me respond and that was it right hat it no chance for save it ouch yeah yeah so um to just to see what it’s like what how is it to connect with me right now like are are how able are you to connect with me uh I I feel open to connecting with you um I feel like I I trust you I’ve been listening to your podcast for a couple years and I get a very good impression for your your trustworthiness and what I noticed is that there’s like a shame standing in the way of our connection like there’s somehow that you’re ashamed or something to that effect what how how how right am I what am I missing if anything yeah uh there’s I guess it’s shame but fear of um being laughed at um fear of having other people see me cry I taught myself not to cry yeah yeah so the one game that I can’t play up here ever is like to try to make you cry but what what like that like that never works and it doesn’t work internally with yourself either to try to make yourself cry is the best way to push away the tears yeah um but what what I’m like I’m most interested in is like what does it feel like to actually just open your heart and connect not just with me but say with everybody on the call even the non- trustworthy ones yeah what made you smile right there you like reliefed there was a relief and there was a smile what happened um just I’m looking at the other faces and um seeing the the care that I don’t often see in other people around what makes you not see it isolation really just I moved to a new city and have trouble meeting new people don’t I don’t really know anybody here so yeah but like the care in these people they’re not in your city like you could walk around like people care it’s part of people yeah uh so stay just stay with me and stay with keeping your heart open to all these folks let’s not rationalize anything for a minute let’s just feel like do you see any do you see anybody loving you right now even though you’re a stranger on Earth can you see how how much can you notice that yeah I see it yeah and if take a look at one of those people don’t walk away like sit in that Sav it for a minute and you don’t even have to say their name just see what it’s like to just say thank you to them thank you and again thank them but this time thank them like as if you deserve the love not yeah thank you thank you for being here yeah what happened to that fear and that shame h e a little bit yeah so pick another person real quick that you can see loving you right now and you find one yeah yeah and what can you say to them that brings you even closer to connection your connection not theirs they don’t even know who you are they don’t even know that you’re speaking to them it doesn’t really matter I love you it’s the only thing that really comes up yeah it’s something that I often find myself wanting to say to people yeah but I know it’s not okay to just go out and say that to strangers I know I think I created this entire organization so that I could say that to strangers it is that important to me what happened wait where where’ you go like you you went back you went back to yourself like you you were you were finding this new place and you went back what what made you go back I don’t know I just I guess I just shifted my body do you want to be there or do you want to be in that place where you saw the love that you had for everybody I no I do be yeah I do want to be in that place yeah so the only thing that’s stopping you is that the sensation of loving people is intense yeah so see what it’s like to do that and just take some big deep breath in while you’re doing it like love all these people love them up even the person who’s not paying attention to you who’s like doing some work over on the side got right yeah like and and love them just the way they are and breathe don’t forget to breathe nobody gets to stop you from doing this and I got the last little piece for you which is like now I want you to do that with your ex-wife even yeah there there it is oh don’t stop it that’s just the love I can feel I’m I feel it there’s a there’s love but there’s a lot of anger yeah there is yeah what’s the sound anger that I didn’t get to yeah didn’t get to express so you want to express it for a couple minutes minutes Kinda Yeah by a show of hands who actually can we just unmute everybody and everybody who would love to hear this anger come and who understands that it’s really just like a a love that’s moving the pipes out can you just say yes so you just so that Eric knows that yes it yes okay looks like you have some support so the trick with anger is you speak it you speak it in an angry tone and you don’t stop so it’s like I what the I dedicated my entire life to you and you show up one day with a letter are you kidding me you I deserve better than that we deserve better than that that’s what anger sounds like but it doesn’t stop and if you can’t think of something to say just you you you it works too okay yeah yeah God damn it why would you do things this way if there was if there was that much of a problem why wouldn’t you just come and tell me about it like yeah why would you show up with a letter and not allow me to respond to anything not allow me to defend myself refuse to go to counseling why would you if there was that much of a problem why wouldn’t you tell me about it like we used to do we used to communicate instead you go and talk to some self described relationship coach they didn’t even ask to talk to me did this behind my back without me even knowing that this was going on what makes that okay and why would you trust a relationship coach that doesn’t want to talk to half of the relationship it’s and God damn it we dedicated 10 years of Our Lives to each other and this is how you treat me this is how how could you just cut everything off in an instant and I suspect that you were having an affair and you refused to come clean about it but there’s evidence there and that’s and it’s betrayal and you and I made promises to each other and you for for betraying the that trust and for for the for abandoning me and treating me like garbage yeah I hate everything that happened that that you did that could have been prevented if you would have just communicated with me if you just talked to me and we could have gone to counseling or whatever yeah and if that didn’t work out then okay at least we tried instead of making the decision for us yeah great now look out at the people again get back to that love for a moment for them now the shame is back what’s what’s preventing the love it’s just a habit that’s yeah yeah ingrained okay how do you love somebody who’s ashamed without becoming ashamed I don’t know I don’t know the answer to that question neither did your ex oh I see you now there’s a 100 people on this call who see a beautiful man and there’s one who sees something to be ashamed of yeah so one last thing again feel the love you have for all those people that that thing that you want to say all the time that like you can’t say and tell me when you got it really good in your body okay yeah I want you to give that to yourself oh you can you can you can let that in I saw you let it in and then you kind of yeah you have a lot more anger in there get like punching bag get a lot of that anger out it’s going to relieve so much of the shame the intellectually the shame is your anger turned inwards and so if you let the anger out it’s going to dissipate the shame so the more you let the anger out the more the shame is going to dissipate yeah yeah okay okay thanks Joe pleasure