Summary
A programmer/founder wants to build a startup on the side but finds his body won’t let him believe he can do it, despite knowing intellectually that he’s capable. Joe identifies the core issue: the man is being a terrible boss to himself. He demands perfection on the first attempt, constantly tells himself he’s not doing enough, and treats any failure as proof he can’t do it.
Joe makes this vivid by asking: “Would you hire me as a coach if I told you I’d never feel like I was spending enough time with you, and if I didn’t make you perfect on the first attempt I’d consider myself a failure?” The absurdity becomes clear. Joe then offers an alternative: work one hour a day, and the only metric is enjoyment. The client immediately recognizes he’d be far more effective under those conditions.
The session culminates with Joe asking the client to enjoy himself 5% more right now, without changing anything. The client finds it very easy — revealing that the shift from self-punishment to enjoyment is not the hard intellectual problem he thought it was.
Key Concepts
- You are a terrible boss to yourself
- Enjoyment as the only productivity metric
- Treating one failure as proof of inability
Key Quotes
“I’m going to always feel like I’m not spending enough time with you. I’m never going to spend enough time with you. And if I don’t make you absolutely perfect on the first attempt, I’m going to think I’m a bad coach. Want to hire me?”
“Your job is to work on it one hour a day. I don’t give a shit if you accomplish anything for that one hour. The only thing I care about is that you enjoy yourself.”
“How hard was that? That was very easy. So, that’s how easy it is.”
“My brain knows I can build an app. My body might not believe that I either have the perseverance, I’m the right person, I put in enough effort.”
“It’s good that you don’t think you can do it because you can’t. If that’s true — look at that smile.”
Transcript
If you struggle with perfectionism, this is going to be a great video for you to watch. In this coaching session, I work with a founder who’s got a ton of self-doubt, and we find out the solution is really just about how he treats himself. I have a lot of either limiting beliefs that I kind of intellectually grasp and I find counter examples. Yeah. or slash and I don’t trust myself and it’s um so it’s very present in in let’s say things I want to achieve. So basically um so I work a 9 to 5 job and would like to build a small startup aside um build an app for example these sorts of things um also um maybe living a little bit of a let’s say freer life not in the sense that I’m free but um traveling or like all these things and I find a lot of example of people who have done it and each time I’m starting to actually sit down on a computer build the app I don’t Like my body doesn’t believe it. That that that’s me. That could be me. What? So, just to be clear, does your body believe you can’t build an app? No. No. I My brain knows I can build an app. My body might not believe that I either have the perseverance, I’m the right person, I put in enough effort, um it’s the right time. It’s like all the these these things around there. And when you work at your job, do you have all the you’re like, I couldn’t ever work in a bureaucracy. It can’t be me who builds. I assume you do some sort of computer programming at your is like all those thoughts happen when you’re in your job. Um as well not as strong though. So though it’s a it’s a little bit like um like despite the fact that so I there there’s no evidence that like I’m not good at my job. Let’s let’s Okay. Okay. Cool. So how many attempts would you have to have building an app until you were 100% certain that you weren’t able to do it? Build an app that made you able to be independent. How many times would you have to build attempt to build an app and release it before you had undeniable proof that you couldn’t do it? I’d like to say many, but probably the the honest answer is one. One. So if you built one app and you and that app wasn’t successful, then that would be proof that you could not build an app. Like I I know that’s not how it works, but it still feels like there is so much on that one attempt or like and it’s not just yet like it’s with with many attempts. Yeah. So that’s really good. It’s good that you don’t think you can do it because you can’t. If that’s true, look at that smile. Yeah. I really hate you right now. But what would be required for you to I know that if you do programming then you know what it is to fail fast. You know what it is to be iterative. You know what it is to do experiments and find out if they work and then build off of your experiments. Like I know you know all that stuff and you know that that’s what makes you successful in your job. But somehow or another, when you are doing this all for yourself, it has to be perfect the first time, which is and I’m never spending enough time and you’re never spending enough time. So, not only are you going to fail, you’re currently failing. Like, you’re ensuring failure. Okay, check it out. You’re going to hire me as a coach, right? You’re like, “Joe, I’m thinking about hiring you as a coach.” I’m like, “Cool. Here’s the thing is I’m going to always feel like I’m not spending enough time with you. I’m never going to spend enough time with you. And if I don’t make you absolutely perfect on the first attempt, I’m going to think I’m a bad coach. Want to hire me? All right. Makes sense. Yeah. Also, do you want to work for me? Do I want to work for you? like you’re like if I was a programmer and you were like, “Hey, you I want to hire you. Here’s the thing is I’m always going to tell you you’re not doing enough and if you don’t get it absolutely perfect on the first attempt, I’m going to say that you failed.” Yeah, that would be an awesome job, I guess. Awesome boss. Exactly. So, if you’re not doing it, that’s why you’re a shitty boss. Yeah, I guess so. What kind of boss do you want to be? One that kind of lets things develop at the natural pace but still like still kind of reaches goals and like still is ambitious. It’s not like ah I feel today I feel like working in two weeks I might feel like working it again like Right. Yeah. So, and I I feel like that’s where I’m that like with this specific example where I’m having difficulties, but it’s in general I think with reaching I’m not sure if it’s reaching goals, but it’s a sort of uh like I’m very impatient with I know like if I just work whenever I feel like okay if I just work whenever I feel like it I’m never going to get there. What’s wrong with that? Like I I know something feels wrong about that, but yeah. So, how how about how about you’re going to work one hour a day on it, but I’m going to be your boss for a minute. Here’s what I’m going to tell you to do. I’m going to tell you your job is to work on it one hour a day. I don’t give a shit if you accomplish anything for that one hour. The only thing I care about is that you enjoy yourself. That you work on the project and you enjoy yourself. That’s the only thing I care about. All right. You want to work for me? Sounds awesome. Yeah. How effective are you going to be? Probably pretty effective. At least more effective than you are now. Definitely more effective than I right now. Yeah. So what what what’s required for you to be that boss? I I like I want to say patience, but it it’s it’s not I think it’s not necessarily the right thing. Um or like doesn’t doesn’t feel like it. Uh like kind of go with the flow but in a non-hippy way if that makes sense. Go with the flow in a German way. It absolutely makes sense. My German heritage loves it. I didn’t want to offend anybody of the 400 500. Anyways, yeah, makes sense. Makes sense. Um, it’s much harder to do than to to grasp intellectually. I don’t know. Really? Yeah. Really? You don’t know how to enjoy programming? That’s hard. No, I’m having a big déjà vu. I know you you had a you had a session with someone basically exactly the same thing. It’s online in YouTube. I have a big déjà vu right now and I’m like didn’t I learn anything when I when I watched that? Yeah. So, so right. So that I think there is a part you didn’t learn which is how do you enjoy yourself more right now? Just I want you to enjoy yourself just 5% more right now. I don’t want you to change anything you’re doing. Just enjoy yourself 5% more right now. Yeah, I can do that. Yeah. So, how hard was that? That was very easy. Yeah. So, that’s how easy it is. Thank you so much. You’re welcome. If you enjoyed this coaching session and you want to experience it live, just go here or click the link below. I look forward to seeing you there.